So I am in a very loving and honest relationship with my amazing partner. Before we were together he joked about wanting to see me with be with another woman. At first in the start I was EXTREMELY insecure and the idea of it - never. Also trust issues due to shit past. But recently say last 3 months I’ve been thinking about inviting another woman to the bedroom - which I feel maybe at first I’ll be jealous due to my past but I’ll eventually end up loving it. He’s stated clearly it’s more for me - seeing my enjoyment and watching me devour someone else and get a little kinky…fair enough.
But I’m saying all that before either of us have even had a threesome. I’m now thinking about how much I’d love to have a girlfriend because I only see my partner on weekends due to him working away. The idea of a girlfriend is just more and more in my head. What should I do? How should I go about things disregarding my past because I really 99% reckon when push comes to shove I’ll be fine just the idea may freak me out. Also, thinking of a girlfriend more and more…is this normal? I don’t have ANYONE to ask. I’ve searched the net for something like this. Please help...
I think the first step is that both of you need to be a lot more honest with yourselves and each other. Your partner wants to have a threesome, and he wants the sexual enjoyment of seeing you with another woman. He needs to take ownership of the fact that this request is coming from him, not insist that it’s “more for you,” since you clearly aren’t totally comfortable with the idea.
You also need to disambiguate between having a threesome and having a girlfriend. Is this more of a sexual desire that you and your partner are exploring together? That has nothing to do with the fact that your partner isn’t around much and so you’d like to perhaps have a more available partner. What, specifically, are you wanting right now? Be clear with yourself. What is exciting? What is scary?
It is pretty understandable that you’d be thinking about this a lot, now that it’s come up. You’re working out whether you’d enjoy dating or having sex with a woman, and that’s naturally going to lead to daydreaming about the best case scenario, and thinking about your own hopes and desires. And it’s a good sign that the more you think about it, the more it feels like something you’d want.
But you need to remember that any woman you’d date or have sex with is a complete person, with thoughts and feelings and needs and desires. It is not fair to someone to force yourself to have sex with someone if you’re not comfortable with it, just expecting that you’ll get over it once things happen. Would you want to have sex with someone who felt that way about you? It’s also not fair to someone to date them just because your current partner isn’t around enough. What would you want out of the relationship besides “attention when my boyfriend isn’t around”? What do you have to offer her as a girlfriend?
My recommendation is to keep sitting with these thoughts and desires and don’t take any concrete steps toward a threesome just yet. With your partner, talk more about this - what you’d want, what you wouldn’t want, what your desires are, what your concerns are. Incorporate this fantasy into your current sex life, and consider reading erotica or watching porn together to talk about what you do and don’t enjoy.
Do self-work around your difficult past, and don’t just let it dictate your current reality. Jealousy and insecurity and fears shouldn’t be ignored or repressed, but they also don’t need to be acted on. Think about what you can do to prevent this from being a self-fulfilling prophecy and how you can manage those feelings with other strategies besides “force myself into a situation that doesn’t feel good but which I hope will feel good once I get started.”
Keep reading and learning about polyamory - you can start with my FAQ page for couples who want to “invite another woman to the bedroom,” as you put it. If you’re having trouble finding people to talk to about this, check the “Forums & Communities” section of my FAQ page here.