Why isn't polyamory included in LGBTQ?

Hey there i have a question and im sorry if these comes off ignorant, or selfish or anything but im rly confused. why is poly not accepted in lgbtq. im bi and poly and i feel like there needs to be a safe space for poly ppl. poly ppl are oppressed. ppl have told me poly ppl arent queer bc some of us are cis het and its a choice to be poly. but for my it isnt a choice. and ace people are in lgbtq even tho some of them are cis/het. i just dont get it. we deserve a safe space rigt?

Polyamory is not generally included in the LGBTQ umbrella because it's not a sexuality (who you're attracted to) or a gender identity (who you are). It's more about how you date. So many people feel that it isn't an "identity," but a behavior, practice, or lifestyle. However, for a lot of polyamorous people, polyamory is experienced as an identity - it's who we are, not just how we date. So there is tension there. You can see my FAQ page on this issue here.

There is also a conversation about queerness and its history and community. Some people feel that since polyamory has never been historically marginalized, it is missing a critical component of LGBTQ-ness. Other people believe (incorrectly) that polyamory is an invention of the past few decades, and that it is primarily white, cis, hetero, wealthy people who are privileged enough to play around with sexuality in this way. This can make people feel that people are imposing on the LGBTQ community who don't share a history or current experience of oppression that bonds the LGBTQ community.

However, polyamorous people do face issues around health insurance, hospital visitation, child custody, workplace protections, family rejection, etc. We just don't have a long history of institutionalized abuses, for a variety of reasons. So defining LGBTQ as "people who are marginalized due to their sexuality/relationships/gender identity" would include polyamorous people, unless you narrow the definition to "specifically targeted in a historic pattern of specific types of violence," which to me is a strange way to define a community or an identity.

I personally believe that polyamory is not inherently queer, but that polyamory can be queered. To me, "queerness" is about "queering" institutions like gender identity, relationships, gender roles, marriage, monogamy, sex, etc. Polyamory as a way of being can be an intentional, self-aware critique and "queering" of capitalistically-imposed gender and relationship roles, the institution of marriage, and the "ideology of family" that upholds oppressive political, social, and economic systems. 

It is fair, I think, to both accept that polyamory is not inherently queer, and a polyamorous relationship does not automatically grant a person a place in a community of people primarily bonded over LGBTQ issues - and that polyamorous people do need, and deserve, a community that is inclusive and can address their struggles. There is a time and a place to 'stay in your lane' and a time and a place to expand the umbrella. This is a very sensitive issue for a lot of people, and not everyone shares my opinions. It's important to honor existing community norms, be sensitive to painful areas for other people, and it's also important to advocate for ourselves and think critically and intentionally about what that Q means to us.