1st poly relationship. Metamour made the first move, though I've been friends with Primary longer. In 2020, Metamour and I moved in together until Primary could join us in our first apartment. We got along great! Then when Primary moved in, Meta changed. We had a tiff over intimate situations, and Meta started letting a lot of responsibilities and chores around the house fall on me and Primary. It led to many, many, MANY fights and stressful nights. Now, me and Primary are living in a separate location, and Meta is still in the first apartment, of their own volition. I like them as a friend, sometimes, but there's so much anger and aggravation left over, I worry I can't stay with Primary, who is the love of my life, if it means having to interact with Meta all the time. Primary has done as best as they can to keep the peace but it's up to me and Meta to solve this problem. I don't know how to forgive them. What can I do?
I mean, do you have to? If you don’t like being around this person, is it an option to just…not? You’re living with your Primary, and their other partner has their own place, so if Primary wants to see Meta, you don’t need to be involved.
If you don’t want to stay with Primary “if it means having to interact with Meta all the time,” then you know what your desires, needs, and boundaries are. If there’s a way to stay with Primary without having to be super close and present to Meta, then great! Figure out how to make that happen, and then just accept the fact that there’s a person around the edges of your life who you don’t particularly like. Be civil when you have to, stay out of their way, don’t complain to Primary about how Meta bugs you, and let all parties involved live their lives.
If, however, Primary insists that they only want to date people who all get along, or if they’re pressuring you to spend more time around Meta, or if you simply find it intolerable to be in a relationship where you can’t stand your partner’s other partner, then you’ll have to decide whether to leave the relationship or try and make things work with Meta.
I can’t give you step by step instructions on how to forgive someone when it feels difficult, or how to retrain yourself to like someone who really bugs you (I am, personally, NOT well skilled in either of those) - but you could try some of the tips here. Really, though, it sounds like your best bet is to just give this person space, expect nothing from them, and live your own life while they live theirs.