Is it okay for my partner to be thinking about other people when play and stuff? I get really upset when I know he’s thinking about another partner or even just thinking about someone else he knows/has a crush on because I feel that’s disrespectful to me? I have never and would never think of someone else while we were playing because I feel it’s so rude and disrespectful to the other person? Is this silly of me or what should I do? Do I need to be more accepting?
What I’m confused about here is how and why you know your partner is thinking of other people while you’re playing???
On the one hand, no one can fully control their thoughts. Sometimes I think about other people during sex, or other completely unrelated things. But the last thing I would do is tell my partner about it! There are some thoughts that are just tactless and unnecessary to share.
I don’t know the context for how you know this. Maybe your partner thinks it’s hot to talk about other people while playing - fantasizing about threesomes or cuckolding or something like that. In that case, you need to let him know that you don’t like that kind of talk, and he needs to explore that fantasy with someone else. Maybe he has a severe level of oblivious tactlessness that makes him think it’s a good idea to say “this is how Gremily likes it” or “Clodeline taught me this move.” Let him know that bothers you and ask him to stop. If he’s doing it out of cruelty or manipulation - if you suspect he’s just bringing it up to make you insecure, or just saying rude things he knows make you uncomfortable - stop playing with this person and dump him immediately.
If he’s not actually saying anything, and you just have a sense that he’s thinking about someone else, that’s a different issue. Sometimes people include their internal fantasy life in their sex life, and that’s just a reality of sex. If he’s not making it your business, you may need to drop the issue. Do you ask him if he’s thinking about someone else? Are you interpreting some of his behavior to mean he’s thinking about someone else? That may be a manifestation of insecurity on your part rather than something he’s doing. Remember that unless you’re psychic, you don’t actually “know” what’s going on inside his head. If you consistently find yourself feeling disrespected by what you’re convinced other people are thinking, you may want to think about seeing a therapist to help with those kinds of thoughts.
When asked a similar question from the other perspective, the advice columnist at Dear Prudence replied:
Ever see your wife close her eyes during lovemaking? If so, don’t ask, “Am I Channing Tatum now?” Thank goodness there’s a hard, impenetrable case around the soft substance that produces our thoughts and our sexual fantasies. There’s a reason evolution did not result in subtitles being projected across our foreheads so everyone can know what’s really going on in our heads.