How do I support my friend who just came out to me as polyamorous?

Hi! My friend has just told me that she is poly and I was wondering if you had any advice on how to support her? Ive told her I love her and support her 100%, but I was wondering if there is more I can do to help her (she's just realised it) thank you ❤

Best thing you can do is to ask her! Sometimes, people worry that when they come out, they’ll be treated differently, and often even attempts to be supportive can feel like “different treatment” - like suddenly buying someone a bunch of pride flag stuff and sending them links to articles about LGBTQ stories, which could make them fear that you see them differently and only through this new lens. But for other people, that would feel really affirming, and they’d really appreciate a friend making an effort to bring it up, learn about it, and actively support it!

You can also educate yourself about polyamory so she doesn’t have to do 101-level education for you (answering the same questions over and over gets old). That might also equip you to head off some of questions or ignorance from other people in your social circle, but of course, make sure she’s OK with this. Again, some people would love it if the education groundwork was done by someone else; other people would be really disturbed that someone else was discussing their identity and answering questions on their behalf.

Never out someone without their permission - ask her how she wants you to discuss this with people who ask, and honor any of her concerns about how this might impact her family or professional community.

Be open and curious, listen to her, talk things through with her, be a good sounding board - but hold your own boundaries and don’t feel like you need to let every conversation center around her new identity work, or that you need to have all the answers for her. Sometimes, new realizations like this can be pretty all-consuming, so be patient if she wants to talk about it often, but be aware of your own needs and head off frustration or resentment before it boils over.

Just keep being a good friend - a good listener, an honest communicator, a collaborator in fun, and you’ll be fine!

How much work is this blog, and how can readers support it?

Hi! It amazes me that you post such fantastic, well-thought-out, and nonjudgemental advice/responses every single weekday. How much time do you spend on a blog this big? Are there ways I can support you doing this work? How fast does the ask backlog accumulate?

Aw, shucks! I get lovely fanmail sometimes but rarely do I get letters that are both fanmail and questions I can answer. Thank you so, so much!

Each Ask Polyamory entry takes me anywhere between 20 minutes to an hour. I also spend a lot of time sifting through the letters I get, identifying which ones are good candidates for the blog, and managing my eternally overflowing inbox. And there’s general maintenance to make sure the website & tumblr cross-posting & comment section are working well. So I’d estimate that the blog takes around 5ish hours of work per week.

I don’t like to be late or skip a day, so I usually queue up a bunch of posts at a time, which means I do a solid chunk of work in one day and let that carry me through the week. I like to have a queue of ~2 weeks at any given time, but sometimes it runs low or gets up to 4 weeks’ worth, depending on what my life works like. I work one full-time job, one part-time job, and am a single parent, so I try to give myself enough of a buffer that the chaos of my life doesn’t impact my readers!

As for the backlog, it’s hard to say. I cannot, and do not, answer every letter that comes in (see my explanation here.) I don’t think any advice columnist does! But for letters that I do answer, it usually takes 1-3 weeks for an answer to be published. I occasionally bump things around in the queue if a letter seems more time-sensitive, but I try not to set that expectation.

The best way for readers to support me is by reading the blog, sharing it, and linking it wherever people are needing a resource on polyamory! If you’re sending me a question, the best way to help me out is to use the search & FAQ to make sure it hasn’t already been answered, then send it over in a clear and concise way. And, if anyone is able & willing to financially support me, I have a Patreon, where supporters can get stickers & extra content that isn’t posted on the blog!

positivity post!

i’m trying to do more of these - i always love getting fanmail and happy messages. i never used to post them before, but the world is just so sad and scary these days that i figured why not spread the love?

when you see this, tell someone something nice! a coworker, a blogger you follow, someone from your past you’ve been meaning to re-connect with, whoever.

also, i’d like to go on record stating that this blog loves steven universe and thinks everyone should watch it forever. please always feel free to use SU character names instead of letter initials in your questions!

I love you even more now for making that Steven Universe reference! :D


Just wanted to say I think this blog gives great advice. I’m beginning to think of myself as a polyamorous person, and it’s nice to see such a caring community helping people understand and navigate their relationships. No response is required, just saying thanks for doing what you’re doing.


thanks for cultivating such a supportive helpful and healthy blog, it feels like it would be necessary to help people navigate non-monogamy, so I’m glad you’re doing it


I love your blog, it is very helpful and you do a great job running it! :)