I can't seem to handle being polyam. I can't stand my bf being with other people. The stuff from the past was harmful, things we both did to each other. I can't get the negative view of my bf out of the back of my mind, he isn't that person anymore but I haven't been able to unsee it anymore. I used to want to explore with other people sexually but I feel as if I only want him, I don't think polyam is for me anymore. But it is for my bf. And it hurts so bad because I love him so much. But I have a mental breakdown everytime he goes out. He does everything right honestly. But I can't stop over thinking and catastrophizing. I hate myself and I fear he will leave me for someone else. I keep comparing myself to people he has sex with. Once I get in that mindset I can't get out. I have problems with anxiety and depression both severe. I'm on meds and have been for 2 years but I can't find one that works. I don't want to yell at him or be rude or make him feel bad but idk what to do. I'm in therapy but I hate it and need to find a new therapist but I can't until my new insurance kicks in. I want to be better but I don't know where to start I feel so lost I feel alone I feel like I'm drowning in my own self hatred. I know I'm mentally ill and I'm trying to do things right but nothing seems to be working. I realized very recently that I said hurtful things to my bf because I wanted him to hurt how I did, how he hurt me. Which is utterly wrong and disgusting of me. He isn't that person anymore. He's great to me and I don't deserve him. I don't know what to do.
It sounds like polyamory just isn’t healthy for you. Maybe it could be under different circumstances, after finding the right therapist or the right medication cocktail, but that’s not really relevant. No one is obligated to “therapize” themselves into being okay with something that feels painful or unpleasant.
A relationship should help you feel like your best self. If you’re in a situation that’s triggering you into behaviors you feel are “utterly wrong and disgusting,” that’s not okay.
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that you didn’t try hard enough to be in a polyamorous relationship. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with your boyfriend, either. It just means the circumstances aren’t working for you, and that you two aren’t compatible.
Imagine if two people were dating, and one person got the dream research gig up in the Arctic. Their partner thought they could handle moving up there, and that it would be a fun adventure and worth it to stay with their partner. But once they got there, the freezing temperatures and long dark nights took an immense toll on their mental health. It doesn’t mean that they had failed, or that they were wrong to try. It does, however, mean that now they have more information about whether that arrangement would work for them, and that they need to leave the Arctic so they can live their best life and be happy and healthy.
I wish you good luck finding a therapist you can work with and continuing your journey to live a life that feels fulfilling. Part of that journey is figuring out what helps you be your best self and live your best life, and then acting on that information. It sounds like staying in a polyamorous relationship isn’t right for you at this time. Ending things with your boyfriend will hurt, but it will free you to pursue a relationship that’s going to meet your needs and help you grow.