I am a 30 year old male in a relationship with two wonderful male partners. I have been with Saturn for 3 years and we live together. I have been with Jupiter for just over a year. Jupiter and Saturn value the respective relationships and have a friendly rapport with one another. Jupiter lives about a 4 hour drive away so we only see each other once or twice per month. He has met my Mother but not the rest of my family (which is big and tight knit). I have met his family several times and will be his date at his step brothers wedding later this year. I would like Jupiter to meet the rest of my family but I know they will find it difficult to understand (or even accept) despite having been supportive when I came out as gay in my teens and embracing Saturn and previous boyfriends. My own brother is getting married next year and I am pretty sure I won't be able to bring them both along. I know it would mean a lot for Jupiter to meet my family but I don't know how best to approach this. If you have any experience with this kind of situation I would greatly appreciate any thoughts, advice or reflections.
I would strongly recommend separating this from your brother’s wedding situation. Weddings tend to make people into the worst, pettiest, least patient versions of themselves, so they make very poor platforms for engaging with anything else that’s emotionally important. I often hear from non-monogamous people who are hurt that they can’t bring all their partners to a wedding, because it feels like someone is making a demand that they choose which one is the “real” or “most important” relationship. But wedding invites are not a referendum on your relationships; they are usually based on how many people the couple can afford to host and feed. So, leave the wedding out of it for the sake of drama minimization.
It’s very understandable that you want Jupiter to meet your family - he’s an important part of your life! But you should be realistic and safe about how to do things. If your family is going to be hateful and cruel, it’s not fair to bring him around. I’d recommend that you talk with your mom, since she’s already met him. Let her know that you’ve always really appreciated how supportive and loving your family has been, and how they’ve embraced and included Saturn. And that you now hope they can do the same for Jupiter. Ask her whether she thinks that would be possible, and if so, how to talk with them about it. Be prepared to answer some questions, knowing that - unfair as it is - you’ll also be facing some extra grossness because you’re all men, and people often tether their “acceptance” of gay relationships to the fact that they’re just as “committed” (read: monogamous) as “respectable” straight relationships.
And talk to Jupiter about this too! See what he’s worried about and hopeful for. Let him know that you just aren’t willing to fight the wedding invite battle, but would love to talk about planning a summer vacation visit with your family or spending the holidays together. Find out how he feels about meeting your family, coming out as polyamorous to them, and navigating some of the discomfort that you expect to come up. And check in with Saturn, as well; if he has a positive relationship with your family that he really values, he’ll be a helpful and important part of this conversation too. And remember that some people are just going to be judgmental or mean, and sometimes the best thing to do is just shrug, thank them blandly for their feedback, and go back to playing foosball with your cousins. Best of luck!