I am married & have a long distance partner. In April they are coming to visit & i am planning this big romantic gesture of writing them love letters & making us all matching necklaces & asking them to come together so we can be one big happy family, I want them to be friends & be my men & have both their babies & but I am also giving them the opportunity to decline by having them meet me (us) somewhere for dinner. If they don't show up I'll know they aren't choosing this for themselves. I'm wondering if it seems passive aggressive to do it this way? I just don't want them to think so & I also don't want them to be put on the spot in public and answer in a way they don't mean to.
Oh my goodness, do not do this! This is not the kind of decision that should be made based on one grand gesture. You are asking something pretty big, and it is going to take multiple, ongoing, serious, honest conversations.
When you say you want them to “come together” and be “one big happy family,” what do you really mean? You can’t just decide two people into a relationship. What do you mean by “come together” and by “one family”? Remember that words like “family” and even “happy” mean different things to different people. You three will all really need to be on the same page.
If your long distance partner chooses to move out to where you live, what does that commitment entail? Are you and your husband 100% gung-ho on giving up your “couples privilege” and no longer centering that relationship? No one should move across a long distance and uproot their life without assurance that they are not on insecure ground. You may think of them as romantic and emotional equals, but does your husband feel like your marriage takes precedence?
More practically, where would he live? Is it smarter for him to get a single place near you two, and see what that’s like, before committing to moving in? Is that financially feasible? If he wants to move in, how is that would to work? Where will everyone sleep? You are already talking about co-parenting, but you need to know a lot about people before you raise kids together. Going from long-distance to living near each other is a big change, let alone living together.
You cannot leave any of this to the unspoken assumptions like “if they don’t show up, I’ll know.” That is not how life works, not how people works, not how relationships work. This isn’t a binary yes/no question. This needs to be talked out, not left up to a movie-ending style dinner proposal. You need to be super clear about what you want and figure out if that aligns with what they want. This is not a one-time question, or even a single conversation. It’s an ongoing process of reframing your relationship, giving language to feelings and desires and concerns, and taking in information as you go.
There is a time and a place for grand gestures! Once this all gets worked out, whatever you three decide, you can definitely commemorate that shift in the relationship(s) with special gifts or doing something special together. Writing letters to express how you feel is a good idea! But using them to ask this kind of question is never wise. You need to give them space to ask you questions, to get things clarified, to share their feelings and concerns, and to try things out or go slowly - and none of that can be done with this kind of plan.