I'm in a polyamorous situation, but it's not comfortable for me - should I stay?

Should I be in a poly relationship if I'm personally not too comfortable with it? I'm a lesbian woman, and my partner is lesbian/homoflexible and has a boyfriend. I'm still fairly new to relationships and my last serious one was abusive and with a male. I feel bad but sometimes it makes me feel a little weird. I don't know how much longer I can hold up seeming okay with it. Is there something I can do to not feel like this?

In general, I never advise people to stay in any situation that makes them feel “not too comfortable,” “bad,” “a little weird,” and like they “don’t know how much longer [they] can hold up seeming okay.” Whether that’s a job, a class, a sweater, a housing situation, a relationship, a space mission - if those are the conditions you’re living under, you need to start taking steps to get out of them.

When it comes to “something you can do to not feel like this,” the answer is pretty complicated. On the one hand, there is sometimes some self-work or therapy a person can do to work on feeling secure, identifying their needs, healing from past trauma, and things like that. On the other hand, there is no “polyamorous conversion therapy” (nor should there be!!!) and no person is ever obligated to try and change or contort themselves into being comfortable in a situation that is not good for them.

Usually on this blog I try to recommend self-work and re-framing if I think it’s appropriate, but in this case, I don’t think you should try and force yourself to ignore or suppress your discomfort. I do think you deserve therapy and healing, because abuse can really wound a person and the presence of men in relationships proximal to you shouldn’t feel so unsafe - but this relationship is probably not a healthy one for you right now. And the goal of that healing should be so you can live a happier life; not to make sure everyone else can have everything they want.