My partner and I want to date a friend of ours, but aren't sure how to ask

We are a committed couple wishing to add a straight male to our relationship. After many months of being open to meeting someone, I think we found one. Trouble is - he has no idea and thinks we are all just friends even with some well placed hints. How do I broach the subject without him seeing us as weird or gay? If I came straight out and asked if he would be interested, he might end the friendship.

Because you didn’t include the genders and sexualities of the two people in your committed couple, I am having a hard time understanding exactly what arrangement you’re looking for. I’m unclear why you specified a “straight male” rather than just a man, but whoever you are, don’t fetishize his maleness or his straightness; people don’t like to be pursued as objects sought for certain traits, they like to have relationships as their whole selves. Check my FAQ page and the links at the bottom for more on this.

Regardless of who you are and why you’re seeking a “straight male,” you’ve got other issues here. You say you’ve been hoping to meet someone to date as a couple, and that you have “found one,” but you clearly haven’t, because he isn’t necessarily interested in dating you two. It’s not just about finding someone who checks off all your boxes; he’s not a dinette set. You’ve identified someone you’d be interested in exploring things with, but that’s a small part of wooing and connecting with someone.

If you’re worried that he would see it as “weird” or “end the friendship” over this, it sounds like you have gotten zero signals from him that he’s interested in sexual experimentation with you two as a couple. You may even have gotten some signals that he’s explicitly NOT interested in that. I can’t provide you with magic spells that will make him suddenly start desiring to be part of whatever fantasy you and your partner have - if he’s not into it, he’s not into it.

You, of course, are always able to come out and “broach the subject” - but there’s no special way you can phrase it that guarantees he won’t feel weirded out. If it’s worth the risk to you, it’s okay to bring it up, and then be gracious about however he responds. Mention that you two would be interested in some sexual or romantic intimacy with him (be specific about what you do and don’t want!) and ask him what he thinks about that.

If he is interested, make lots of room for discussion, compromise, low-stakes fantasizing, and time. Don’t expect him to just seamlessly slot his straight maleness into the role you intend. Remember he is a complete person with his own concerns, desires, needs, boundaries, interests, and assumptions, not a sex toy for you and your partner to play with on your own terms.