My long distance partner and I had a conflict, and now he won't answer or read my messages

I’m a married cis woman who is exploring poly relationships. My primary partner is amazing and loving and we have a fantastic relationship. About eight months ago, I started a long distance relationship with a guy. We talk online, have some phone sex and meet up when we can. We have a sexual relationship of course but it’s also emotional. Enter the issue: he has a roommate who from the beginning wanted to be my good friend. I’m not usually comfortable with this but I let my guard down. She knows our situation and I’ve known him as long as she has. Recently she admitted she had feelings for him and made it seem like I was the only person who knew. In the meantime, she was telling me that he really cared for me so much and wish he could be with me. I told him that she had a little crush on him and he closed up completely. I felt badly for telling him and blamed myself for being a bad poly practitioner. About a week later, she blurts out that they have been having sex for weeks. I had no idea! He had never shown any kind of interest in her at all. I was incredibly angry because I had always been very honest about my intentions, and I felt like I had been gaslighted, made to feel guilty when they both clearly already knew what was going on. I left him a message and told him that I never expected monogamy from him clearly but that I expected honesty. What were they going to do when I visit again?! I haven’t spoken to either of them for almost a month but I’ve tried to get in touch with him because I feel like he owes me closure, an explanation, an apology, just something and he hasn’t even read my messages. He’s a tough personality, someone who closes himself off a lot and I knew that getting into this with him but I can’t move on.

You need to try and let this go. You may want “closure, an explanation, an apology” - but he clearly isn’t able or willing to give that to you. I know you feel like he owes it to you, but you can’t make your healing contingent on someone else’s choices. He has made it very clear that he is not going to re-engage with you, his lack of response is a response.

There is a lot of denial in your letter. You speak in the present tense, saying that you “talk online” and “have a sexual relationship,” etc. You do not. You used to talk online. You had a sexual relationship. When you haven’t spoken for a month, and he refuses to answer any of your attempts to reach out, that’s a breakup. You two are no longer together. This relationship is over. None of the story you told as “the issue” is the actual problem - the problem is not his roommate, or his dishonesty, or anything like that - the problem that you were dating a guy who cut you off after a conflict and is no longer speaking to you.

You say that you “can’t move on,” but you need to figure out how to move on without him giving you “closure.” Ask yourself, what would it take for you to move forward from this and accept that this relationship is fully over? Therapy, journaling, time, self-care, time with friends, whatever it takes. Treat this like a breakup and start grieving the end of the relationship. Moving on gets easier with time, so let yourself start that clock NOW instead of wasting time trying to change his behavior or denying the reality of the breakup.