I’m starting to feel like I don’t want my partner to date their boyfriend anymore. He isn’t a bad person, in fact he’s wonderful, but I feel like I just am not comfortable and Can Not be comfortable in a polyam relationship. How do I talk about this to them? I feel horrible about this.
All we do in our lives is collect information, and our primary obligation is to act responsibly on that information. When you start dating someone, the goal is not to keep dating them indefinitely, but to learn about whether you want to continue dating them. And when you start trying out polyamory, the goal is not to ‘make it work and stay in this relationship arrangement at all costs,’ but to determine whether polyamory is working for you. And if it’s not, the wise and responsible thing to do is to end that arrangement.
Try and shift the framing, remembering that you can only control you, not other people. It’s not that you don’t want your partner to date their boyfriend, but that you don’t want to date someone who’s also dating someone else. You’re not telling them what they can and can’t do, but what you can and can’t do.
I know it’s painful and frustrating and disappointing. It’s definitely not an ideal situation. But it’s not your fault that you aren’t someone for whom a polyam relationship isn’t working. All anyone can ask of you is to be self aware and honest. Let your partner know how you’re feeling, and figure out what choices all of you need to make based on this information.