My husband has been asking about going poly for nearly a year. I don’t want to. I’ve made it clear, but he continuously frames it as, “ok, we’ll drop it for now and talk more in a month” or “you haven’t really considered it so it’s not fair to dismiss it out of hand”. He can be very insistent on things like once he has decided he wants it, and manipulative to craft situations to his liking. How long is reasonable before I draw a line in the sand and tell him he needs to pick? I’m not anti-poly; it’s fine for others but I am mono and have no interest in the drama of a mono-poly relationship. He just keeps says we can talk about boundaries and won’t accept that my boundary is a monogamous relationship.
I don’t think you should, or ought to, wait any longer before letting your husband know that you have absolutely made up your mind.
“I am not able or willing to try out an open or non-monogamous relationship. No amount of discussion or consideration or negotiation will change this for me. As many times as you ask, or as many ways as you ask, the answer will be no. I’m telling you this very clearly because I need you to start acting based on this information, and not any other assumptions or hopes you may have. If a polyamorous relationship is something you absolutely must have, know that you will not get this in our marriage, and you will need to leave the marriage to get that. If staying with me is your priority, know that you will need to drop this issue permanently in order for that to work.”
Then, stick to that party line. Tell him that you do not want to discuss it in a month and your answer will not change. Tell him that you have considered the issue enough for you to make your decision, and whether he thinks that’s ‘enough’ consideration is not relevant. Do not engage. And think about whether you want to stay married to someone you describe as “manipulative” and who “won’t accept” what you tell him. See this FAQ page for more resources.