Someone who’s a “sage” in the community basically called polyfidelity monogamy with bonus people and that polyfidelity is basically just a relationship of insecurity. I feel personally offended by this notion as I’ve had partners with other partners not dating me. I never once self jealous or unhappy, but my preference at its roots is fidelity. The whole conversation made me feel really bad and invalid, unaccepted and lesser. Advice?
I am sorry that someone who is respected in your community made you feel that way. That always sucks, and it can be so alienating.
However, it sounds like you know pretty solidly that what that person said is straight up not true. You know that you have a preference and you know that it is not rooted in jealousy or insecurity. Nothing this person says can change that or take that away from you.
People are often out in the world being wrong. Sometimes they are even wrong about us, personally. And that can be maddening, but a big part of finding some kind of peace in this bonkers world is learning to let some people just be over there being wrong.
Becoming a “sage” in a community doesn’t make someone an infallible expert on all things. If this was a one time thing, resolve to skip all their workshops and panels from now on, and surround yourself with people who respect you and your relationships.
If you are seeing ripple effect ramifications from this person’s influence, start speaking up within the community. No one person gets to determine the truth for an entire group of people. (That way lies cults.) You may find lots of allies who were also uncomfortable with that idea being spread around.
Sometimes, it can be freeing and empowering to realize that we’ve outgrown our heroes. You’re confident enough in your own experiences that you don’t need to look to these “sages” to define things for you, and you are knowledgable enough to recognize when they are wrong.
Take some time to care for yourself, because it can really hurt when someone whose voice we value says something that is alienating, hurtful, or false. But focus on the fact that you know they were wrong.