What’s the etiquette for Valentine’s Day when your partner is poly? I’m autistic and never been in a poly relationship before nor have I celebrated Valentine’s Day and I’m really nervous about it all. Is it a faux pas to get flowers if a metamour is too? Should I ask my partner about it or is it weird to talk about Valentine’s Day with them?
I am sorry that you’re feeling nervous! As a general rule, it is not “weird” to talk about relationships and preferences with your partners - that is the right thing to do. If someone makes you feel bad, weird, or guilty for talking about things, they are not a good person to be dating.
So absolutely ask your partner about it! You can open with something like: “How do you like to celebrate Valentine’s Day?” and ask follow up questions like “Would you like to plan something with me?” or “Do you like to exchange gifts with partners?”
Some people like Valentine’s Day, and enjoy the pageantry of flowers and chocolates and teddy bears. Other people are disinterested in it. Some people just take it as a reminder or a reason to do something fun and romantic. Most polyamorous people who celebrate Valentine’s Day extend the holiday so that they can do a “Valentine’s thing” with each partner, but those things don’t all have to be on the 14th. You can go out for a nice meal or plan a snuggle movie night in the vicinity of February 14th and declare it to be Valentine’s. (Of course, some people really care about the specific date - but you’ll only know how much this matters to your partner if you ask!)
As far as a “faux pas,” polyamory hasn’t been an established thing for long enough to have its own Miss Manners type of etiquette. (And I certainly hope it stays that way, honestly.) If your partner likes getting flowers, they’ll probably like getting two bouquets from each partner. If your partner doesn’t really like flowers the rest of the year, they probably won’t mind much either way. Think about what your partner enjoys, and what seems like a romantic gesture to them. The best way to find out is to ask.
You can also let your partner know that you are autistic and that you sometimes feel nervous about not knowing certain relationship traditions or expectations. In a healthy relationship, people would rather be asked about their preferences than have a partner who is worried about solving the mystery. Best of luck, and enjoy your Valentine’s!