I recently got out of a three year relationship with a man. I’ve been best friends with my current roommate and her bf for three years. Both me and my roommate are bisexual and soon after I broke up with my boyfriend both my roommate and her boyfriend told me they wanted to have sex with me and they have wanted to do this the whole time they’ve known me. The first night was great and they told me the next day that they don’t want me using dating sites and they basically see us as a “throuple”. However in the following weeks things have not been going well. I sleep in her bed with them but kind of separate from them. They act very much like a couple in front of me and I know they were having sex when I was on my period without telling me. It’s been very hard for me to deal with and idk how to fix it. They’ve been dating for a long time and Ik they don’t really have experience with how to do this either. But they were the one’s that wanted to make this serious and now I feel somewhat abandoned. Like they want me to be more than a friend but they don’t actually want (or know how) to integrate me into their relationship. The whole situation is just making me feel vulnerable and deeply upset, so I could really use some advice from someone who understands what being in a polyamorous relationship should be.
My first inclination after reading your letter was to just tell you to walk away from this situation, because it sounds kind of awful. Them sitting you down and informing you that you are now in a closed relationship with them and they no longer want you using dating sites? Red flag. You feeling vulnerable and deeply upset? Bad bad bad! Don’t be in a relationship that feels that way!
After thinking about it, though, I want to give a bit more nuance to my advice.
If you want to just peace out from the relationship, that’s totally fine and a completely valid reaction. You can tell them “this has been fun and I’m glad we tried it out together, but after trying it I’m not sure the throuple thing is for me, so let’s go back to being friends.”
But it sounds like there hasn’t been much communication around this, and there might be a way to “fix this,” as you wrote, without just walking away. If you want to try and make it work, try talking with them about a few things! You can say: “I was a bit surprised when you told me that you now see us as a throuple, because it seemed like we were moving pretty fast into a committed and exclusive relationship. Can we talk about what, specifically, you meant when you said that? What is your ideal throuple relationship? What do you want it to look like?”
Then, as the conversation continues, be clear with them about what YOU want. Point out that you’ve been feeling a bit “third-wheel-ed” by their behavior, and describe what would make you feel like an equal and established member of the relationship. Or, explain that you’re okay being more of a casual connection to their relationship right now and want to take things a bit more slowly, like in any other relationship.
Try reading up about polyamory and triad relationships, and then share some articles with them that seem to capture specifically what you are thinking and feeling. Invite them to discuss with you what they want, and feel, and be clear about what you want and how you feel. Remember that all relationships take time to grow and breathe, and give each other grace and flexibility, but don’t stay in an emotional or sexual situation that feels bad.