I feel like one of my partners (F) hates me or otherwise is uncomfy with me, as she usually wants to do things with the other (M) more than me, they dm all the time (I don't dm either because I want to be initiated first), he buys her stuff, and in general whenever I want to try to do something with her it feels like she's uncomfortable. I don't know how to proceed because obviously neither of them would tell the truth if I was making them uncomfy, to not be rude I suppose.
You should not be dating someone if you don’t trust them to be honest with you. Full stop. To have the role of “partner” in your life, a person MUST be someone who is safe to share your feelings and needs with.
Refusing to DM someone because you want them to initiate conversation is insecure behavior. I used to be like this - I worried that I was “bothering” people if I messaged them first. But living life this way made me miserable. If I wanted someone’s attention, I would just wallow in insecurity and loneliness while waiting for them to message me. I put all this psychological and emotional significance on their messages, and it just was a whole lot of unnecessary angst and pressure.
It’s not worth it, living like that. If someone is worth bringing into your life, they ought to be someone who it feels safe and easy to DM. Right now, it sounds like you do not trust these people to be honest with you and say “hey, I can’t actually talk right now.” You distrust their expressed affection and attention so much that you’ve established this secret test, telling yourself it only “counts” if they initiate it. You have to let that go. You have to be willing and able to demand that your relationships are safe and honest.
I harp on this small detail in your letter because it’s really a big neon arrow pointing to the major issue here. You say “obviously neither of them would tell the truth” - that’s NOT a healthy foundation for a relationship. This core assumption needs to be addressed.
There are two possibilities here. One is that you are simply assuming that these people won’t be honest with you, and so you’re robbing them of an opportunity to be honest with you. I’d encourage you to ask yourself: what makes you say this? What evidence have you observed that makes it “obvious” that they won’t tell the truth? Do these people have a history of being dishonest with you, of refusing to answer questions honestly, or of saying one thing while acting in a different way?
If you don’t actually have any clear evidence to base this off, it might be your own fear getting in the way. Give them a chance to be honest! Bring up your fears and concerns, and see what they have to say! Things like:
“I worry sometimes about being the one to initiate a DM conversation. I feel like I’m bugging you and I can’t trust that your attention is genuine unless you initiate. Here are some things you can do to help me feel more safe and confident in reaching out to chat during the day. Are there things I can do better to respect your time or make DMing easier and more frequent?”
“Based on [things you’ve observed], I’ve started to worry that my company is not actually enjoyable for you, and I feel like you might not like me. I know we’re dating, and it’s confusing to think that someone who is dating me doesn’t like me - but here are some of my anxieties. Can we talk about this? How have you been feeling about dating me? Do you need anything from me?”
If the idea of having these frank, open conversations fills you with dread or fear, that’s a huge red flag that your relationship isn’t healthy. If these people have previously demonstrated to you that they can’t or won’t have these kinds of conversations honestly, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them.
If your anxieties are coming from “inside the house,” so to speak, then you ought to give them a chance to demonstrate to you whether they are actually safe and honest. They may be shocked and horrified to find out that you’ve been feeling this way and worrying about this - if you haven’t said anything, how could they know? If, after you share this information, they argue, ignore, or shame you - or if they reassure you and promise that everything is OK but then don’t actually make any changes - then that’s a sign that this is not a good relationship for you.