I'm mainly mono, and my partner is poly, and we recently started talking again after he promised to be better (I broke-up with him about 6-7 months ago). He told me he's ready to compromise and think of me as his primary partner and that thought reassured me that I wouldn't feel dismissed and lonely the way I did in the past in our relationship. Cut to a couple days ago, we're talking about growing pains and the grieving process of letting go and he told me that he really wanted to practice anarcho-polyamory but that it was not something he seems to be able to do in real life. He has this ideal vision of polyamory where none of his partners would feel a certain way about not being the "main relationship" and where nothing would hold him back or limit his interactions with anybody. I find it worrisome because 1) it kind of sounds like the idea of people having boundaries is what's turning him off, and that makes me feel unsafe 2) it contradicts what he told me, and I'm scared that if we get back together and he follows through with his promise of being my life partner, he will resent me for the rest of the relationship. I have yet to talk to him about it, but I wanted to know if I'm being overzealous for nothing, or if this is something I should be concerned about.
Do not date this dude!
Let me break this down:
He told you that he is “ready to compromise” - that is not a good way to enter into a relationship! Do not date someone who thinks of you, or the relationship, as a “compromise.”
You are trying to interpret his promises to mean that you will not feel a certain way ever again, which is not possible or reasonable to promise or expect.
He “promised to be better,” but almost instantly started saying things that indicate that he is not able or willing to break the patterns that initially caused the problems.
You feel “scared” that if you get back together, he will “resent” you. That’s a pretty major red flag.
His ideal relationship involves his partners never “feeling a certain way,” which is not realistic or reasonable.
He has clearly told you that his hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship do not align with your hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship.
His stated desires and expectations regarding relationships make you feel “unsafe” and worry that he doesn’t ever want to have to respect his partner’s boundaries.
All of this is definitely something to be concerned about! Don’t date this dude!!!
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