So my fiancée and I started a poly relationship and I think I made a big mistake. At first Poly sounded like a great thing for me and I thought I was into it but I have no idea how to get over how it’s making me feel.
My fiancée recently got a boyfriend and I love that she’s happy.
I just know that in the last few weeks I’ve been subtly hedging at the fact that I’m uncomfortable with how soon she jumped into this and how fast it’s progressing. We had just had a huge 3 day non fight/misunderstanding, and we had just got it fixed then less than 5 hours later she’s talking to him about being her boyfriend. She has hinted back that if I were to speak my piece now that she’s with him that she’d probably leave me. Idk if she really would but that’s how it came across. Also she said she would have been totally fine being monogamous if we hadn’t decided to open our relationship in the first place and it feels like she’s pinning it on me.
Is it wrong of be to be super hurt that she is not valuing me in this way? I wouldn’t ask her to break up with him. I really like the guy, he has been her best friend since 6th grade. They have insane chemistry that I’m honestly envious of. Several people have told me that he is going to steal her away from me. I just want my thoughts heard and maybe for her to help me through whatever is going on in my head.
“Hedging” and “hinting” are not healthy or effective methods of communication in any relationship! You two need to stop trying to become amateur psychics and just speak with each other openly, honestly, and clearly.
It sounds like you’re worried that if you express any sort of discomfort or unmet need, she will interpret it as you asking her to end the relationship. But you’re not seeing things as “zero sum” or “black and white,” and you’re capable of having uncomfortable feelings without demanding that she immediately blow everything up to soothe you. That’s great - so you need to TELL her that!
You know what you want: to feel heard and to be able to have safe conversations about your own feelings without her immediately jumping to “okay, if you insist, I’ll end this relationship.” You were able to articulate this to me very well, so now you need to say that to her.
I’d encourage you to stop the “bean counting” about how many hours elapse between conversations; life is complicated and people just do things, and there’s not usually much significance to the specifics. But it’s okay for you to feel any way you feel, and it’s okay to want those feelings heard.
Try saying something like this to her:
“Hey, I want you to know that I support your new relationship. I see the chemistry you two have, and I respect the connection between you two. At the same time, this polyamory thing is very new for me, and sometimes I have feelings or anxieties come up in my head.
When that happens, it doesn’t mean that I am trying to pressure you to make a change. I don’t want my feelings to function as a threat to your relationship, and I don’t ever want to make you feel like I’m using my own discomfort to push you into ending things with him.
However, I do need to know that you understand my feelings, that you can be present to me in my discomfort, and that we can talk things out. Sometimes I just need some of your time and attention, and sometimes I just need to know that you heard me out when I wanted to share my feelings.
What can I do to express my feelings of discomfort without making you feel like I’m asking you to leave your other partner? How can I ask for your presence and care without you seeing it as a demand or accusation?”
Then tell her what she can do to help you feel heard when you share your thoughts and feelings. Be as specific as possible - maybe you just need her to say “thanks for telling me that, I know this is new and hard and sometimes scary, I really appreciate you being willing to explore this with me!” and give you a hug. Maybe you have some specific questions you need her to answer, or specific reassurances about your relationship that you need her to speak and then demonstrate with certain actions.
It sounds like the existence of communication, especially communication about tough feelings, is something that makes you two uncomfortable right now, so do whatever you can to get some practice with that skill and build that muscle.
You could suggest reading some materials on healthy polyamory together, so you can have some open discussions about what you’re reading. Sometimes people prefer to have these conversations over email so that they can take a break or not get caught up in their emotional responses. Maybe you two would benefit from some time together where you don’t talk about any of this, but just tend to your relationship together! Do some exploration and experimentation and figure out what makes you feel heard and secure.