I’ve been with my wife for 10 years and we recently got her off the pill when I had a vasectomy. Now, she has found that she is attracted to another woman. She doesn’t know what it means as far as whether she wants a girlfriend, or what she would even be ok with sexually with a woman. We never even discussed opening the relationship until very recently. I am not interested in other partners or losing a ton of time with her. Is there a way to make it work?
I think this is one of the best and most easily answered questions I have EVER gotten. Major kudos to you, dude!
Most people in your situation write to me and say that they feel “jealous” or “insecure” or “uncomfortable” and I have to try and walk them through what, specifically, they are worried about, and see if those concrete things feel easier to address, triage, and strategize for (they usually do).
But you, good and wonderful sir, kind letter writer, instead said that you were not interested in two specific things: you having other partners, and you losing a ton of time with your wife.
The great news is that those are both completely possible to work around and address!
First, you do not have to have other partners. You do not have to decide that “opening up” your relationship means that you’re suddenly cruising kinky singles pages together or anything like that. Your wife can explore her sexuality with other women without it affecting anything except, specifically, the time she spends doing that.
Which leads (so neatly! so perfectly!) to your next concern: losing a ton of time with her. That is a completely reasonable concern! I imagine that you married this person precisely because you enjoy being around her. (The fact that three years into the pandemic your primary concern is not getting to hang out more with your wife makes my heart explode with joy.)
Due to the laws of physics, any time she spends out having sex with or dating women is time that she can’t be home hanging out with you. So, in many ways, this is a “zero-sum” issue, which can be tough in relationships! But you don’t say that you won’t abide ever missing out on time with your wife - you’re worried about losing “a ton” of time.
So think about what “a ton” would mean for you, then work backwards to something you feel reasonable and mature about tolerating. Maybe every Friday you hang out with your friends and she’s free to have a date night, because you wouldn’t be hanging out with her anyway. Maybe you decide that you’re OK with her going out as long as she plans it in advance so you’re not Surprise Alone on random nights. Or maybe you’re less fussed about specific times she does other stuff as long as she honors your Date Nights. Your worries might be entirely unfounded - she might also be envisioning the same sort of arrangement as you. Work together, knowing exactly what’s important to you, to make this work for both of you.
Which leads me to your final question: Is there a way to make this work? My answer is YES, because of you. Your attitude - “let’s figure out how to make this work” - has led you to the right place.
You’ve already identified what are your “non negotiables” in this, which means you’ve also identified where you’re open to change or compromise. Starting from here, you’ll be able to honestly and openly lay out for her what you want, how you’re feeling, and what she can do to make this go smoothly for you. Then ask her what you can do to help this go smoothly for her. You’re both on the same side, the same team. You have the same goal: make it possible for your wife to pursue something new and exciting without damaging the relationship you two have and cherish.
Please also note! This process I’ve described will lead you to a lot of specific relationship rules, but those can be dangerous. Be sure to always follow the spirit over the letter of the law and check in frequently about whether they’re still working for both of you. Be flexible and always assume good intent. These tend to relax in practice before they relax “officially,” which can lead to situations where the fact that someone has committed a “betrayal” or “violation” is worse than what they actually did, which isn’t helpful.