Hi…I just can’t get over the guilt of my polyam relationships. I’m a woman with two male partners. I just - they deserve better, they ID as monogamous (initially anyway, probably still by preference) and I feel I’ve forced them into this. Heck, *I* ID as monogamous at heart. I just love both these two men. Nobody else, but…I can’t shake the hideous guilt. None of us looked for this. But it’s my fault. They say they’re ok and it’s just how it is. But…

Sometimes things just fall into place in ways we didn’t expect. It’s okay to let the present be the present, even if it wasn’t what you planned for in the past.

If everyone is happy, if all needs are getting met, if communication lines are open and clear, if the relationships are fulfilling - then there’s really no need for guilt. You’re not doing anything wrong. No one is being hurt. 

You are allowed to ask things of others. They are allowed to give you what you ask. This doesn’t make you evil, or them the victim. 

People are allowed to choose to be with you. Even if that requires some work or even some compromise. You’re worth it. You don’t need to be perfect or ask nothing of your partners for you to be what they ‘deserve.’

The fact that your partners find themselves in a polyamorous arrangement is not your “fault.” If no one is getting hurt, then no one is at “fault.” Let go of this projected, pseudo-psychic assumption that you’re hurting them. If they say you’re not, trust them.

Your partners chose to be with you. You chose to be with your partners. Respect this choice. Honor the agency of everyone involved. You’re not holding them hostage to a crappy relationship. There is freedom and choice here. 

If the feelings of guilt come from something specific that your partners do or say; if they are sending hints that they are being hurt - talk to them about it. If this is coming from external messages, from media or other people, disengage from the sources of that guilt.

And if this “hideous guilt” is keeping you from living and enjoying your life, or if it’s cropping up in other areas of your life as well, please consider talking to a poly-friendly therapist about this.

Some resources: