Hi! My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years and are now polycurious. I’m a straight male and she is a pansexual female and are interested in finding a bisexual girl for a triad. However, we would only have sex/date one another. Where do we start?

I’m confused - if you’re only having sex with each other, and you’re only dating each other, where does that leave this third person? What does it mean to you to be part of a “triad?” What do you want from this person, specifically? You need to figure out between yourselves what you’re looking for more specifically.

In my experience, bisexual women are very often approached by mostly-hetero couples looking for someone to “invite into their relationship” or otherwise fool around with. None of the bi women I know are all that excited about this invitation. Think about it: would you want to be brought in to spice up someone else’s relationship but not given equal emotional or relational (or even sexual) consideration?

It’s not a very appealing offer for this bisexual woman you’re hoping to find. If you’re not offering her sex or a fulfilling, committed relationship, what does she get out of the deal? Lots of “unicorns” have been burned by couples who don’t have their emotional baggage sorted out well enough to incorporate a third person, with all their feelings and needs, into their sex life, let alone their relationship. Please don’t be part of this problem.

You two may have decided that it would be fun to play around with another woman, but there is no “polycurious bisexual woman” store where you can go pick one up. You need to have something on the table to offer her, whether it’s an intimate friendship or one night of sexy fun, and be clear and upfront about what you are and are not able to provide.

Once you figure that out, the internet is pretty much your best bet. Find a site or app that meets your needs, and be humble and prepared for lots of rejection - you’re essentially asking a pretty big favor from another person who has her own life to live. I don’t know many people whose fetish is spending their time and energy helping a couple they’re not part of explore their “polycuriosity.”

Here’s the funny part.

I’ve known plenty of bi poly women who would be totally down for playing with and/or dating a couple.

IF that sort of thing developed naturally, and IF the members of the established couple weren’t specifically cruising for a third. None of the aforementioned women enjoy being approached by (nor will any of them respond to) couples who are specifically seeking out a third as an accessory to their existing relationship.

Oh, the cruel, cruel irony of unicorn hunting.

Having been a unicorn and been badly burned by it I agree with everything that psychophancy said here.

I was head over heels for Wicked and Captain, treating them as primary, considering them in everything I did. I thought we were all on the same page, but it became clear that they weren’t doing the same over time. Which hurt a lot. Three years in a relationship, planning my life around them but I was held at a lower status, that at least in Wicked’s eyes I’d never be equal. 

I was to some degree I think a thing of convenience, to stroke her ego and to give Captain a sexual outlet when she couldn’t. However that also made me a ‘threat’ in some ways to her and her insecurities prompted a lot of responses from her that hurt me deeply. If you are looking for a unicorn in the poly world please make sure that you are honest, with yourself, with your primary partner, and with the unicorn you look for. 

Realize that she is a person on her own, with her own hopes and dreams and that if you can’t consider those and be there for her you don’t deserve her. 

I don’t usually reblog or post other people’s responses to my content here, but all of this is good, insightful, and important, especially for the “unicorn hunters” out there.

Source: http://polyadvice.tumblr.com/post/12873630...