I am a 21 year old Nonbinary person living in the poly friendly city of Seattle. I have been a practicing poly for a little over 2 years now, but have decided to get involved with a monogamous woman. Recently we where discussing jealousy. She is a VERY jealous person (upset I text Ex’s that I’m still friends with), and it bothers her that I’m not jealous of really anything. Sometimes I fake it just to make her happy. I’m curious if this is because of my personality or because of my polyamory?
First, stop faking your own feelings to make someone happy. That only ends poorly.
Second, it’s really sad that our culture has decided that jealousy is somehow a positive signal in a relationship. We see that narrative everywhere - this notion that if someone really cares about you, they’ll be possessive, they’ll care about who you talk to and hang out with, they’ll display jealousy somehow. This is, in my opinion, a very toxic image of relationships, but it’s one your partner holds. And I’m not sure if it’s possible to convince her otherwise - your job isn’t to adjust her perspective to what you think is healthier.
Your actual question is whether your lack of jealousy is part of your personality or your polyamory, which is something I absolutely cannot answer. You could be making a false dichotomy - if your polyamory is part of who you are, then it informs your personality, and your personality informs your polyamory. It’s just the way you are! And if you ask me, it’s a pretty alright way to be. Only you can decide whether being with this very jealous, monogamous woman is going to work for your non-jealous self in the long term.