Im a woman, and im bi, my boyfriend and I talked about polyamory for the past year, and finally became polyamorous about 4 months ago. We both have individual dating profiles up that are honest and open about being polyamorous and what each of us is individually looking for as well. Although I have women writing me, it seems to go nowhere at all, whereas my boyfriend has one woman he has great chemistry with and is planning on taking out soon. Im jealous, how should I cope?

I often say that monogamous people could learn a lot from the poly crowd, but it’s also true that poly folks could take some lessons from monogamy. It’s a pretty common refrain among single people that meeting partners is hard. Plenty of books, movies, songs, standup routines, and poems lament the immense gap between wanting to have a partner and having a partner. And that doesn’t change for poly folk, unfortunately.

Four months is not a lot of time when it comes to meeting someone you click with. If one of your single friends complained that they’d been in the dating pool for four whole months and had yet to meet someone, you’d probably advise them to stay positive, be patient, and recognize that compatible partners don’t come custom order with overnight shipping. Your boyfriend got lucky, but his timeline isn’t a standard or a benchmark.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of stigma around bisexuality - being an openly bi, polyamorous woman currently dating a man and looking for female partners could be handicapping you. Be gentle with yourself and try to remember that finding a partner is difficult for everyone. Consider increasing your odds of success by checking out local poly meetups, social events for gay and bi women, and adding other dating sites to your repertoire. 

As for the jealousy issue, know that another person’s success is not your failure. You two decided to open up your relationship, which is awesome, but that doesn’t come with a guarantee that you’ll both find partners at exactly the same time. You’re getting what you wanted - both of you have the freedom to pursue other partners - so try to enjoy the ride, be happy for your boyfriend when he finds something exciting, and remember that his ability to date other people now builds the foundation for you to start dating when you do find the right person.