I’m in a happy relationship right now ((just two of us)) but I’ve really liked my friend for the longest time now and learned that she likes me too. She knows and understands what polyamory is, but my partner now I’m not so sure… I know he’ll see it as he’s not enough. I’ll talk to him and be honest and open but I’m not sure how he’ll handle. I refuse to cheat and I would never consider doing it but even if he agreed I can imagine he’d think that’s what it was… Can I please have some advice?
Twice in your short letter, you state that you know what your partner would think or feel in a given situation. You “know he’ll see it as he’s not enough,” and “even if he agreed” to be poly, you “imagine he’d think” it was cheating. This is a big issue. You have to let your boyfriend speak for himself and his own thoughts. You can’t act on your imagined predictions of his inner life.
If you’re dating someone who you don’t trust to be truthful with you - if you think he’s capable of agreeing to something while secretly feeling cheated on - that’s a major problem, and one that you two need to work out regardless of whether you decide to try polyamory or not. You need to figure out whether this is primarily your issue - do you just decide you know what he’s thinking, regardless of what he says? - or his issue - does he often say things that don’t accurately reflect how he really feels, which causes problems later?
Polyamory requires crystal clear communication, which includes trusting each other to have the self-awareness and honesty to say what they mean and mean what they say. If you’re not at that point, you need to work on that before you even start thinking about dating your friend.
Talk to your boyfriend about this. That’s the only way to move forward. Don’t rely on guesses and assumptions. Ask him how he feels about polyamory. Invite him to be honest with you. Discuss best and worst case scenarios. Talk about feelings and fears and boundaries. Read about polyamory together. Only he can tell you how he feels and what he needs. And if he can’t, that’s an issue to work on.