My bf and I have dated as a triad before - other women (I am bi). We’ve never dated solo, but I am totally open to it. He’s OK with me seeing other women solo, but NOT men. I recently met a guy - actively poly - through some friends and HOLY SPARKS. I really want to pursue something but I am unsure how to restart the conversation. The bf has been very anti-men and has shut down previous conversations/attempts to open in this way. Any advice on having this talk?
You said that your boyfriend shuts down conversations about this, which is a red flag - polyamory doesn’t work without open communication. If you want to try again, try asking him to explore his motives and perceptions. Why does he not want you to date other men? Why is he okay that you’re with women? What does he think is the difference?
Let him say what he has to say, but don’t let it drop at sweeping emotional answers like “it makes me uncomfortable” or “I just don’t like it” - healthy poly requires us to get at the root of our feelings and reactions. Once you know what’s behind it all, you can start addressing his needs and concerns from a place that makes sense and isn’t clouded by emotions with unknown roots.
But if he remains closed off about this, and refuses to have this open dialogue with you, he’s showing you something important about who he is in this relationship. You need to decide whether it’s worth it to continue a poly practice with someone who shuts down certain lines of communication.