How can I find people to date if everyone sees me as "taken"?

One of the biggest issues we have in finding a partner (for either of us) is that people lose interest when they find out we are already in a relationship. Even if we say we are open/poly, we are still seen as taken. What do we do?

It sounds like the issue here is with the culture, community, or scene you’re dating within. As someone who’s been practicing polyamory for over ten years, I’ve discovered that certain avenues of dating are generally closed to me. For example, when I’m at work, the fact that I have a long-term partner does come up in casual conversation. This means that coworkers who might have developed a little crush, or be interested in flirting, will file me as “unavailable.” If I wanted to pursue someone who knew me like that, I’d need to be really explicit about letting them know that I was actually interested in dating and ask if they’re interested in dating someone who is partnered. 

If you’re actively seeking new partners, flings, dates, etc. my recommendation would be to focus your efforts where you’re not fighting this uphill battle of trying to convince people that you are actually available. Online dating lets you be really explicit about your polyamory and filter matches based on their relationship status or orientation. Polyamorous communities in your area are also a good place to start. 

I have a somewhat new relationship (a few months) and we just “officially” became boyfriends. We’re both poly and don’t have primary partners. It’s very open. However, we were just talking about jealously and insecurity and it came up that I feel, at times, unmanageably jealous, insecure, and sad about my bf’s other partners (potential or current) when I’m going through a bout of depression. I’m going through one now. Should I suggest a more closed relationship until I get back on my feet?

Here’s the thing about any relationship practice: it’s never in a vacuum. It intersects with everything else in your life, including your family background, your career, and your mental health needs. There are as many ways to be poly as there are poly people, and that’s partly because each one of us has unique needs and perspectives to take into account.

Part of a healthy poly practice is knowing your own needs, and another part is reaching out to get those needs met in a healthy way. It sounds like you have a solid sense of self-awareness about your needs, which is awesome. If you haven’t already, talk these over with the new boyfriend. Explain that this is something you know about yourself, and do your best to help him understand.

The next step is figuring out how to get those needs met. You asked whether you should close the relationship until this bout passes, which sounds like a good idea especially considering the newness of this relationship - but if this is something that happens to you with some amount of frequency, it’s worth developing a long term plan. If he starts seeing someone else while you’re in an on-your-feet period, but then you enter a bout of depression, would you want him to put a pause on that relationship? If that doesn’t sound fair or realistic to you two, you need to work on a more consistent practice to keep things healthy and fulfilling for you as the whole person that you are, which includes your experience of depression.

Also, if you can, consider talking to a poly-friendly therapist - not just about poly practices but about managing the depression in general.