How can I be "out" as polyamorous at work?

Do you have any advice on how to be "out" as poly at work? I really don't want to have to hide the existence of either of my partners.

If your question is about how to be out safely, like how to make it so you don’t “have to hide” either of your partners, that’s a sticky one. It will really depend on your workplace and the cultural attitudes of your coworkers and management. Try talking to your HR department, if you have one, about what protections exist and what the current policies are. If you need more specific advice about this, send me a follow up with more details!

If your question is more about how to share your polyamory at work, that’s a bit easier. You can do the traditional “coming out” thing where you tell coworkers you like and trust that you are polyamorous, and offer to answer questions they may have.

In casual conversation, you can say things like “one of my partners” or make it a point to mention “my partner, Claudella, and my other partner, Gurt” in the same sentence or story. You can have photos of them on your desk or wear polyam-pride things at work, and be prepared to cheerfully and shamelessly answer questions when people ask about them. You can have both your partners visit you at work, pick you up, attend work functions, etc.

Remember also that simply not bringing something up doesn’t necessarily mean that you are “hiding” it. When I worked in an office, most of my coworkers didn’t know about my hatred of tomatoes or my enamel pin collection. I wasn’t “hiding” them, but they just didn’t come up. I’m sure your coworkers have aspects of their personal lives you don’t know much about, and that’s okay! There is a big, fully inhabitable space between “hiding/closeted” and “Very Very Out” at work. Find the place on that spectrum that works for you!

Someone didn't want to date me polyamorously - is that polyphobia?

Been dating someone 3 years, I’m poly he’s not. Was seeing someone else for the past 9 months who knew I was poly and with someone from the start. We had a really good thing going but after like 7 months I tried to DTR and he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Cut to now, he told me he’s seeing someone else and cannot keep seeing me anymore. And then told me it was because I’m poly and he doesn’t know how our relationship would work since I'm already in a relationship. My question is, is that like polyphobia??? Is polyphobia even a thing? I’m also bisexual and have been told people won’t date me for that and this seems like the exact same thing. But two of my monogamous friends are like “yeah but I see where he’s coming from I wouldn’t wanna date someone who was sleeping with/dating someone else either” and I’m like “??? bc ur brainwashed into thinking monogamy is natural and normal?!” I’m so frustrated and heartbroken. I didn’t choose to be poly.

Polyphobia certainly exists, but it’s not the same as an individual person deciding they don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship. No one is obligated to date you, and if someone decides that they don’t want to date you, it doesn’t mean that you’re being oppressed or excluded or are the victim of a structural bias. It is fine for any individual person to choose not to be in a polyamorous relationship, even after trying it out for a bit. Not wanting to live in New York doesn’t make me city-phobic, not wanting to date a smoker doesn’t make me smoker-phobic. We’re all allowed our personal preferences.

Polyphobia looks like a multiparent family being turned down for adoption or a foster care placement. It looks like a system that only allows two partners to share marriage benefits. It looks like slut-shaming and cultural cruelty toward people who are in polyamorous relationships. The difference between someone not wanting to date a bisexual person and someone not wanting to date a person already in a polyamorous relationship is that your polyamory fundamentally changes the terms of the relationship he’d be in. It’s okay for him to decide he doesn’t want to date someone who’s also dating someone else. It’s not about who you are, it’s about what kind of relationship he wants to be in.

Whatever you believe about monogamy, it’s not cool to say that people with monogamous preferences or orientations are “brainwashed.” You yourself said that you “didn’t choose to be poly,” which indicates you subscribe to some flavor of the born-this-way narrative. That means you also need to make space for people who, either due to their choices or their innate characteristics, are monogamous.

It’s okay to be frustrated and heartbroken. Not getting to date someone who you really wanted to date, or having a relationship end that you were really enjoying - that’s painful! It sucks! But the fact that you are hurting doesn’t always mean you were wronged. It’s easy to direct anger toward the guy whose choices have hurt you, but he didn’t do anything wrong. He figured out what he wanted from a relationship and was clear with you about what he could and couldn’t continue to be in your life. Spend some quality time with your other partner, eat some comfort food, and grieve this instance of not getting what you want, without making anyone out to be the villain.