I recently started dating a couple, but realized I want different things from each person

I've recently started seeing an already established couple, my first time doing any sort of poly stuff. While I like both of them and don't mind being sexual/affectionate towards Person A, I really only want to be in an actual relationship with Person B. Idk how to bring this up without it seeming like I dislike Person A. I just feel like Person A and I don't mesh super well romantically and if we tried to actually date each other then I'm worried it would end badly, and I don't want that to happen because I like Person A as a friend and don't want to lose them or Person B.

This might turn out to be a non-issue. If you’re okay being sexual and affectionate with Person A, and that’s the kind of relationship Person A wants with you, then you’re all on the same page. Whether you feel like internally labeling it “an actual relationship” is less important than whether what you’re doing is working for everyone.

You say that “if you tried to actually date each other then…it would end badly,” but also that you have “recently started seeing” them - so maybe you’re overthinking this, and the way you’re currently relating to each other is working fine. You’re anticipating a change (from whatever you’re doing now to “an actual relationship”), but why do you think that change is necessarily going to happen?

The best way to figure this out is to ask both people, probably during a handful of low key conversations, both one-on-one and together, what they want and expect from you. Are they envisioning a “balanced” situation where you’re dating both of them as a unit, or are they okay letting your relationship with each individual develop in its own way? What does Person A expect from you?

Then, once they’ve explained to you what they want, you’ll have a better foundation for your response. If they’ve brought up anything that isn’t what you want to do, then let them know that the expectations are mismatched. Instead of saying “I don’t want to actually date you,” try defining specifically what types of things you do and don’t want to do with this person. Then figure out if those are things they want from you. If they are, you’ll need to figure out how to re-set expectations and either find a compromise or conclude that this won’t work for you. If they aren’t, then congratulations - you don’t have a problem!

I just started dating a couple, but one member of that couple has problems with me spending alone time with our partner

I just got into a poly relationship with a couple who have been together for five years, we've been friends for three, we've all been dating for a month now. They have a whole pattern of existing already. We're all new to polyamory. We all spend time together really well, me and her alone is okay, but she gets jealous when I spend time with him alone. I want to be able to spend time equally with both of them alone without her getting upset. I don't know how to approach the topic since it's all new and I don’t want to hurt her, but I also want to fully enjoy both relationships I have with them separately as well as together. He wants to spend time with me without her being upset as well. Do you have any advice for gently talking boundaries for a new relationship?

We all learned (or, at least, we were all supposed to learn) in kindergarten that it’s generally not okay to do things that make other people feel upset or hurt. So I don’t want to tell you that you’re wrong for caring about this, or that it’s a good idea to just go around doing things that you know make other people - especially people that you care about! - feel upset or hurt.

HOWEVER. As adults in relationships with other adults, it’s not always feasible for your goals to be based on someone else’s feelings. You say that you don’t want her to be upset, but there’s nothing you can do to control her feelings, and sometimes, people are just going to have feelings. You can’t change them and you can’t take responsibility for them. This person chose to enter into a polyamorous relationship with you two, and she is responsible for managing her choices and behaviors in this situation.

My question for you, to start, is how do you know that she “gets jealous” or is “upset?” If there is some behavior of hers that is making this relationship untenable, if she is treating you coldly or picking fights or something, then you can talk to her about that. You can let her know how those behaviors are affecting you, and clarify what needs to change for this three person relationship to function in a way that’s healthy for everyone.

Theoretically, all three of you have the same goal: for him, you, AND her to be comfortable, happy, healthy, and functional within the relationship. You’ll want to ask her what you and he can do to help her feel more secure, and if she asks you for things that are possible and reasonable, try doing those things. Then it will be your turn to let her know how this is affecting you, and what you need from her to make the relationship work.

Ultimately, she needs to manage her own emotions and not make them your responsibility. If she just needs to work through these feelings, then try not to make them your problem or get too fussed over them. Someone can be out in the world being upset without that needing to take up emotional real estate in your head. Figure out whether you and your new partner can navigate your togetherness without constantly worrying about what she might be thinking, and then if there is an issue, address her actions rather than the feelings you’re perceiving her to have.