I'm dating someone who's polyamorous, and not really sure how things work with his existing relationship

I’m seeing this guy, we’ll call him Ace. He is living with someone, we’ll call them Queen. I am new to polyamory but I respect his partner and their relationship, though I think she’s his primary (idk though). She doesn’t want roommates, plus they read each other’s texts. Idk how to ask Ace the “rules” of their poly relationship or what to call ours. I have fallen deeply for him, but I’m lonely because he’s always busy & with her. But we are very passionate and I think he likes me. What do I do?

The good news is that the answer to this question is very simple. The bad news is that it’s very simple. You say you “don’t know how you ask,” but that’s exactly what you need to do. All your problems stem from not having clear, open conversations with Ace about how he manages his polyamory and his relationship with Queen, and how that impacts you. The next time you two are together, or over text if that’s easier for you, you’ll just need to bring up the subject.

You can say something like “So, we’ve been seeing each other for a bit now, and I’m realizing that I still don’t fully understand the terms of what we’re doing here. I’d feel a lot more secure, and I think I’d be able to respect and navigate your boundaries better, if we could talk it out. Can you tell me how you and Queen understand your polyamory? Is she your primary, and if so, what does that mean to you? How do you see our relationship, and how does it relate to what you and Queen have?”

If this guy is healthy and skilled in polyamory, he’ll be thrilled to have an opportunity to explain and discuss this! Don’t ever feel like you should just accept ambiguity - always speak up and ask for clarification. If he says something that you want to follow up on, keep asking questions! If he tries to shut down the conversation, gets defensive, or insists on hand-waving vagueness, he’s probably not good to be dating.

And once you get more information, you’ll be able to determine whether this is a relationship you want to stay in long-term. If he tells you that the way things are with him and Queen means that you’ll never get the commitment or attention you want, then that’s good information for you to act on. But the conversation should definitely include you explaining how you feel and what you’d like to be getting from the relationship, so he can be honest about whether he can provide that.