Hi, I'm a 24 y/o lesbian who has over the past few months kind of accidentally gotten very close to a married woman (37) but the way we met was very specific (sex work, I'm a masseuse who does hand jobs, no delicate way to put that) and though they hadn't really done anything like that before (swinging/visiting massage parlors) her husband (43) is totally aware of the fact that we've grown pretty close, and after a threesome date where I told him I wasn't trying to steal her (and later had an actual threesome, though he and I didn't actually have sex, he's very attentive of my boundaries which I find very endearing) he seems ok with the fact that I’m pretty visibly falling for his wife and vice versa. I'm not jealous of him, and he seems to not be jealous of me, and spending time with both of them just feels so comfortable. Is this a viable way for a poly relationship to develop or am I crazy for thinking that might be a possibility? Is it weird that this isn’t weird?
Oh letter writer, stop looking for trouble where it isn’t! You know the answer to your question: is this a viable way for a polyamorous relationship to develop? Yes, obviously. You’re living the empirical proof! Are you crazy for thinking this might be possible? No, of course not - you’re witnessing it be possible. All you have to do is look at the information the universe is giving you, and draw the most reasonable conclusions!
Our society, and the media we use to frame and understand romance and love and sex, haven’t given you a lot of tools to understand this. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, impossible, or doomed. You have no reason based on evidence or observation to believe that this is weird, or impossible, or non-viable - those feelings are coming from anxiety and confusion because you live in a world that tells you relationships like this are “weird.” But you yourself said it’s not weird - so there’s your answer! If it’s comfortable, if it’s working, if it feels good, then let it be.
I’m not suggesting that you slap on some rose-colored glasses and assume everything will be fine. If there is a genuine concern, if something does start to feel weird, definitely talk it out. Feelings are worth investigating and understanding. Sometimes the conclusion is “this is just a confused feeling, not based on reality, and I can gently put it to rest without acting on it” and sometimes the conclusion is “this feeling is pointing me toward a potential problem, unmet need, or question that needs answering.” Continue to have open, honest conversations with both people, and yourself, and let this grow in the direction that’s best for everyone. And tr to relax and enjoy the ride!