Im in a poly relationship, dating two people, Venus and Neptune. I don’t know if I will keep dating Neptune for other reasons, but we’ve dated for years and we live together right now. On the other hand, Venus is the ideal partner in every way, we’re way more in love than what people usually are and we've dated since November. Venus is also dating and living with her other partner Saturn. The dilemma is that me and Venus want to live together, but Saturn doesn’t wanna live with other other people than Venus. I’d never give up on Venus. What do?
Okay, there are three issues here, from what I can see…I’ll try and break them down.
One: You need to work on your problems with Neptune before you start spinning yourself out on other stuff. It is pretty common to start feeling like you’re having issues with a long-term partner when you start seeing someone new. This is a common, though not inevitable, part of NRE (new relationship energy). You have only been seeing Venus for four months, and you don’t live with them, so remember that things with Venus are shiny and new, and you don’t always see them in their daily routine, which is when people can be at their most dull, so be very careful about “grass is always greener” thinking. (Relevant post.) Or, things could just be at their natural end with Neptune - but you need to address those sooner than later, and keep them from getting tangled up in whatever new thing is happening with Venus. I strongly recommend reading this post where I talk about this pattern.
Two: I got this letter in February, which means you’ve only been with Venus for four months. You’re already saying things like “we’re way more in love than what people usually are” and that you’d “never give up on” them because they’re “ideal in every way.” Be very, very careful with this kind of thinking. Four months in, it’s still a heady fling, and early-stage infatuation often disguises itself as deep love. Nobody is “ideal in every way;” everyone has flaws, and blindness to them is dangerous. And you have no idea how “in love” people “usually are,” because you can’t read other people’s minds. That kind of claim can often signal that there’s some distorted thinking going on. You’re also dealing with an existing long-term relationship that may be fizzling out, which can make it very easy for your brain to fill in “what might be” and idealize a new person. Slow down, be honest with yourself, and don’t take everything your feelings tell you at face value.
Three: Your actual question seems to be about the fact that you want to live with Venus, but Venus also has a nesting partner situation that isn’t very flexible. I’d caution you to let go of that worry for now; four months in to a relationship is way too early to be worried about living situation or even thinking about moving in together. But the good news is that if this turns out to be an issue later on, polyamory allows for different configurations of “making a life together” depending on the unique relationships and people involved. I actually don’t live with any of my partners, but two of them live very very close to me, so they’re over more often than not, and we have a very comfortable routine around sleepovers, groceries and meals, and even things like helping out with chores! In the meantime, have Venus over at your place or hang out at theirs. Do things like run errands and cook together, and find ways of experiencing domestic togetherness without jumping to worries about long-term living situations.