My metamour misgenders me when she's upset

I’m non-binary and my partner’s wife regularly misgenders me when she’s angry at me. She says it’s accidental because she’s mad, but both her husband/my boyfriend and I feel like it’s deliberate. He always corrects her when it happens, but I don’t feel comfortable with her misgendering me just because she’s angry at us for spending time together. I don’t know what to do.

First off, I’m so sorry that you’re in a situation where someone is misgendering you for any reason. It’s not okay, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.

The fact that she does it out of anger doesn’t make things any better - in fact, from my perspective, it’s kind of worse. She’s aware that it hurts you, so she does it when she’s angry with you. She is wielding it as a weapon, using it to punish you whenever she’s upset with you. That’s completely gross and uncalled for. Being treated with dignity and respect is not something that people must earn by keeping everyone happy - you deserve to be honored in your identity regardless of how another person feels. Period.

Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not willing to understand this and make a change. It also sounds like there’s a lot more at issue here, since what she gets angry about is you spending time with your partner. This isn’t a healthy polyamorous situation, because you’re involved in a relationship where a metamour is behaving cruelly toward you. You can’t change her behavior, but you can choose how willing you are to tolerate her inappropriateness. You are well within your rights to limit your contact with her, set clear boundaries around what topics and conversations you’re willing to address with her (if any), and to request that your partner do more to help you maintain those boundaries (like not expecting you to be around her anymore).