I am new to this. I am seeing a few different people who are also have multiple love interests. However my problem comes when I know that one of them is flirting with someone besides me, sharing a sexy photo or a flirty conversation, it makes me feel a pain like loss in my heart, an empty gaping hole that hurts when they do that. What can I do to get over that? I really want to be ok with others finding love with someone besides me, but right now it’s hard.
Usually, if a person is in a relationship (or any other type of situation) that makes them feel “pain like loss” and “an empty gaping hole that hurts,” my advice is to stop being in that situation as soon as you can. Polyamory isn’t for everyone, and you are not obligated to force yourself into arrangements that cause you pain. When it comes to relationships, if it doesn’t feel good, if it’s not fun, don’t do it.
If you truly believe that these feelings are “internalized monogamy culture” and that you both can and should root them out, start by reading some resources on my FAQ page and learning about how polyamorous people conceptualize things like love and jealousy. And talk to your partners about it, with an eye toward brainstorming ways they can make things easier on you, like not flirting or sexting around you, sending you their favorite resources on polyamory, and talking through their philosophy of how they practice ethical non-monogamy.
But there is no “polyamorous conversion therapy,” nor should there be, and if you would be happier and more fulfilled in a monogamous relationship, please seek that instead!