So I have an issue. Two issues, in fact. There are two groups of people here: my romantic partner, Nessie and her alter Alberta, and my platonic partner Kastelle and her romantic partner Spork.
So, I'm currently in two relationships: a romantic monogamous one with Nessie, and a platonic poly one with Kastelle and an unimportant outside party. The thing is, I'm starting to catch romantic feelings for Kastelle. At first I was jealous of Spork, but now that we've met... I'm starting to get a crush on her, too. (I mean I'm still jealous, but I also have a crush.) So what I want now is... I want to join their romantic relationship and make it a poly.
But that means leaving my other platonic partner behind (they're aro, so they don't care abt romance, but still.) However I don't think Kastelle likes me like that, and I don't think Spork even likes me in a way that's past surface friendship, and I don't want to ruin my relationship with Kastelle or make Spork wary of me. ALSO, if I were to get into another relationship outside of mine with Nessie, it might put stress on us, too. I want to make everyone happy, including myself, but I don't want to lose anyone in the process. And I sincerely doubt that Nessie, Spork, and Kastelle would want to join together and make one big poly mess. I can't balance two romantic relationships anymore unless everyone is together. It puts too much strain on everyone involved and I end up hurting people.
Then there's my second problem with Nessie and Alberta. See, we've always talked about adding Alberta to our relationship after I broke up with a different boyfriend (who I have cut it off with and it's okay.) So now it's just me and Nessie. I've been dropping hints about adding Alberta, hoping Nessie will remember. But it's not working. I'm too afraid to just come out and talk to Nessie about it, and I don't want to ask out Alberta behind Nessie's back. Can you help me? What do I do? Who do I date?
The first issue sounds pretty simple: there are some people you want to date (Kastelle and Spork), but you don’t think they’re interested in dating you, and you worry that pursuing them would create a cascade of problems that you don’t want. So…don’t pursue them! If they haven’t given you any indication that they want to date you, and you think that dating them would cause all sorts of issues, then you have plenty of clear information telling you that trying to date them would not be a good idea.
Sometimes, we want things that we can’t have. Sometimes we feel conflicted, or frustrated, or worried. Sometimes the right choice is a difficult one. That’s just part of life!
If you need to take some space from this relationship to let the crush and jealousy fizzle out, that’s fine. Focus on yourself, your other relationships and hobbies, and don’t ruminate on or indulge in fantasies of the impossible.
The second issue is also pretty simple: Don’t rely on “dropping hints” and “hoping” when it comes to communication within your relationship. If you’re “too afraid” to bring something up with your partner, that indicates that something is very wrong.
Think hard about where that fear is coming from. Has Nessie done anything to indicate that speaking your mind with her is unsafe in any way? If so, leave that relationship. If the anxiety is coming from your own unaddressed assumptions and patterns, you need to find a way to deal with those so that you can communicate effectively with your partner. A relationship where you can’t speak your mind due to fear of their response is unacceptable, and you need to take immediate steps to address that dynamic.