I was hoping for some advice about a situation. I'm married and poly. I have a partner of about 8 months now. He's in a DADT relationship. He prefers not to meet on weekends as that's his time with his wife - which leaves us Tuesdays (I work 4 -10 he shifts). He unfortunately had some health things to work through so we've gone extended periods without seeing one another. The times we have seen one another it's usually within a 3 hour window.
A lot of our plans fall through because of health or because his wife needs him. We have talked about boundaries and I know he is capable of loving another person, and when we don't see each other we talk all day long every day. First good morning and last goodnight. I fell in love with him.
I'm worried that I'm allowing myself to stay in a place that won't be good for me. Sporadic visits, I often have to ask for reassurance for feelings. I know he cares about me, but it hurts when he cancels and it hurts to know that if this specific time frame doesn't work we won't see each other.
This morning we had plans fall through and I feel hurt and tearful. And while he verbalized that he misses me and wishes he could be here to console me - he also reminded me that when his wife isn’t feeling her best that's his priority.
I am not asking for him to every put me first. I'm asking to feel important. I'm asking to matter. I'm asking to exist outside of a window of time that is often lost/missed etc. I love him. He has become such an important part of my life but also a very painful part. Im not sure what I'm asking but I'm lost.
This guy has given you very clear information about what he can and what he cannot provide for you in a relationship. He is holding his boundaries and explicitly defining what sort of relationship he is able and willing to be in.
You now have plenty of information with which to make an informed choice. Are you okay being in a relationship under those terms? If yes, then you need to commit to accepting those boundaries and find a way to make it work. If no, then you need to leave the relationship. Continuing to ask him to do things that he has told you that he cannot or will not do is not going to be a good use of your time.
I also want to make a note about some of your wording here: you say that you are “asking to feel important” and that you are “asking to matter.” Those aren’t really things you can ask of your partner. He can’t make you feel, or be, any sort of way.
You can identify “here are things you can do that would make me feel important,” and it sounds like you have done that, and he’s said that he can’t do those things, so you have some pretty clear information.
You matter, and you are important, inherently, as a human being - another person’s behavior can’t change that. And it’s entirely possible that you matter very much and are very important to this guy - but that he isn’t able to translate his feelings for you into behavior that translates into your “love language.”
Try to be grateful that this guy is not trying to gaslight you, lead you on, or manipulate you. He’s been very up front about who he is, what he wants from your relationship, and what you can expect from him. It is sad that what you want from him isn’t something he can give you, but that’s not going to change, so all you can do is choose what you want to do with that information.
Think about it this way: You really want pepperoni pizza, and you’ve just walked into a pizza shop that only sells cheese. Do you want to let go of your desire for pepperoni and enjoy some cheese pizza, or leave this shop and continue looking for somewhere that will serve you pepperoni? Both of those are fine options, but “stay in the cheese-only shop while continuing to ask and hope for pepperoni” is not.