A couple years ago I started flirting with a friend, which then turned into a sexual relationship. I tried to explain that what I was looking for in the relationship was something more than just casual sex but less than formal dating. He was going through a lot of life-changing stuff at the time and I don’t really know if he understood or really listened to what I was trying to say. I know that he has had multiple partners (I have not) and I found out recently that he has a girlfriend now and they are in an open relationship; we have had sex since they started dating. I asked him outright about having other partners and he tried to evade the question and he hasn’t come forward about having the girlfriend - I found out via her facebook. I’m not really sure what to do with this situation: I don’t like the vague dishonesty, but we’ve never had an open, frank talk about expectations for what we have going. I’m worried that if I mention the girlfriend that he’ll get defensive about it when I’m not upset about them dating, just that he wasn’t honest in the first place. I would like to keep the relationship going as it’s been really good for me, but my friends tell me I should move on… Any advice you give would be very helpful.
Fact one: When you told this person what you needed from the relationship, you are not sure if he “understood or really listened.”
Fact two: When you ask him for openness and honesty, he “tries to evade the question.”
Fact three: You don’t feel like you can talk about your need for openness and honesty without him getting “defensive.”
Fact four: You don’t like the “vague dishonesty” this person employs in your relationship.
Fact five: Your friends don’t think this guy is good for you to be dating.
1+1+1+1+1 = end this relationship. Whatever is fun and good about the sex and the companionship, you can find elsewhere without dealing with someone who won’t listen to you, is dishonest, and treats you in a way you friends don’t think you should tolerate.
If you’re committed to giving it one last chance, sit him down and try to have an open, frank talk about expectations. Ask him what’s going on, why he’s been evasive, and tell him that you don’t want him hiding parts of his life from you. If his response is anything but clear, apologetic commitment to stop being vague and dishonest immediately, end. this. relationship.