My friend knows I have a crush on her, and jokes about dating me, and I'm not sure how serious she is

My friend knows I and other mutual friends have a crush on her. She says she’s polyamorous and makes jokes about having some us as partners. I know she’s only joking and I don’t have anything against her but when she jokes about it, I feel like there’s some desire but I ultimately believe she’s only joking. How should I go about handling this? It’s so confusing, you know?

In my opinion, you know someone has a crush on you and you tease them about it by joking as if you want to date them, but you don’t mean it, that’s very rude and borderline cruel. But it’s possible there’s something else going on. You say you “know” and “ultimately believe” she’s only joking, but then that there might be “some desire” behind her jokes.

Often, people use jokes to test the waters or explore something you’re not ready to fully jump into yet. It sounds like she might actually be interested in dating you, but isn’t sure how to have that conversation or manage those feelings, so she resorts to this kind of push-pull of saying something she isn’t sure whether she really means and hiding it behind layers of irony and humor. That’s pretty common, and it’s understandable, but it can also be really hurtful!

If I were you, I’d bring it up with her, not as an accusation or a confrontation, but as a real, honest, vulnerable conversation where you’re removing the pretense of all the goofing around. “Hey, Antrabella, you often say that you’re polyamorous and talk about dating me or Constancio. I know you act like it’s just jokes, but I do actually like you, and would be interested in trying something out! If there’s feeling behind those jokes, can we talk about what that might mean and look like? And if you really don’t mean it, could you please stop joking about it, because it makes me feel uncomfortable, since I don’t know whether to take you seriously?”

If she responds by acting defensive, insisting that you should “take a joke” and that her behavior is totally fine, or if she denies making that kind of joke, then I think you should take some distance from this friendship. But if she responds by either saying “actually, yeah, I think there is something there, let’s talk about it” or “omg, sorry, I didn’t realize how confusing I was being - I don’t actually feel that way and I’ll stop teasing like I do,” then there’s your answer!

Some FAQ-answerable questions

Hello! I just need help finding the tag for where it explains what poly is. I know a little bit like enough to explain it but I’d like to have a link to go into more detail for those who want/need it. Please and thank you! (also I’m really sorry you have a lot of tags I can’t find the one I need in particular)

I use tags more for SEO and tumblr promotion and less for content finding. You’d be better served checking my FAQ page about general polyamory resources. You can also google “what is polyamory?” and find lots of resources that will meet your needs!

Sorry to bother you, but I sent an ask to your website nearly a month ago about being a polyam teen and it hasn’t been answered. Is this because you have a long queue or did you just not get my question?

Here’s my FAQ page about that.

I might be poly. I find myself reading and seeking out more poly fics than mono ones? how do i know if i'm, poly? What does being poly mean?

Here’s my FAQ page about this!

A polyamorous person has been flirting with me, but I don't really know what that means

So there's this girl that I thought was flirting with me and she asked for my snapchat. She kept mentioning partners so I asked her what she meant by that and she said she was in a poly relationship with a man and woman who she loves with all her heart. I'm totally fine with all this, but I have no real experience with polyamory. If she is already dating (and kind of living with) 2 people, what does that mean for me? I'm not working this very well, but any advice you could give would be great!

I don’t know - but you know who does? Her! She knows what her relationships are like, and what she’s looking for in a new partner. Your best bet is to ask her: I’m interested in you, but what would it mean for me? What do you want, and what don’t you want, from a new partner? If you started dating someone new right now, what would that look like for you, and for them? What boundaries do you have around dating people? What are your current relationships like? How did they start?

It’s possible that both of her “love with all my heart” partners started out as flirting on Snapchat, and she’s interested in dating someone to see if things move toward becoming significant, committed partners. It’s also possible that she feels “at capacity” for that kind of relationship and wants something more permanently casual. It’s possible that she rejects the binary I just set up and has a completely different best-case set of desires! Express your interest and open up that conversation. If there’s one thing we polyam folks love, it’s open communication. Best of luck!

I'm dating polyamorously, but my parents are threatening to torch our relationship if I visit my partner

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a polyamorous married man. I've known him for years and he's my best friend, and we've been dating for almost six months now, and we're both incredible happy with each other and his wife is happy for us. When I told my parents about it, I knew they wouldn't understand, but I wasn't prepared for how much they would personally offended by it. They tell me it's wrong, that I'm setting myself up to be hurt, and that I should listen to them if I respect them. Despite being a good daughter who's never gotten into trouble and is doing well in college, my father says he would be ashamed of me for my relationship- and that hurts incredibly deeply to hear from him. No matter how I try to explain how polyamory works to them, they always say that it's not right "for me" because I'm "their daughter." My problem is that I'm 20 years old and still living with my parents while I'm in college, and I desperately want to visit my boyfriend who lives 3 hours away (using my own money)-- but my parents tell me that if I visit him knowing how much they disapprove, that I will be severely damaging our relationship and that there will be consequences. What do you think I should do?

I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation - that’s so painful and isolating.

I am perhaps on the extreme side of things when it comes to this type of conflict, so I will try to be both honest about my own position while empathizing with yours. I firmly believe that we as individuals have the right, and in fact the obligation to ourselves, to reject any nonsense from our families that threatens our well-being. You should live your full and honest truth, do what is happy and healthy for you, and if other people are upset about it, they are free to be upset about it. Sharing DNA with someone doesn’t mean that you need to care what they think more than you’d care about anyone else; nor that you’re beholden to whatever assumptions and expectations they have.

Your boyfriend is someone you chose to be in your life, someone who meets you where you are, and makes you feel happy and understood. Your parents are people who you did not choose, and who are being manipulative and hurtful. Based on that, I’d say prioritize your relationship with your boyfriend. If I were you, I’d go see my partner, and let the chips fall where they may. I would also start taking steps to make it financially feasible to move out from under the roof of people who are going to be so ignorant and hurtful.

If you don’t feel ready to take steps that would cause such friction with your parents (even though the conflict is their choice; not yours), talk to your boyfriend about this. See how he feels about waiting until you feel more emotionally able to stand up to your parents and do what you want. Let him know what he can do to support you during this painful individuation. Consider seeing a therapist to talk about how you might start the process of grieving the relationship you wish you could have with your family, but might not be able to if you are going to be a healthy, fulfilled, independent adult. Build relationships at college with people you can lean on. Best of luck - this is a difficult period to go through.

I want to be in a polyamorous relationship

I’m jealous of a poly relationship. I wish I was a part of it.

I’m not 100% clear from your wording whether there’s a specific polyamorous relationship you want to be part of, or whether you just want to be in a polyamorous relationship.

If there are people in your life who you want to be in a relationship with, it’s okay to pursue that! Flirt with them, invite them out, identify what you have in common. Ask them out!

If they make (or have made) it clear that you’re not interested, it might be healthy for you to take some distance from a situation that makes you feel jealous or left out. Hang out with them less, find other friendships and hobbies to invest in, unfollow them on social media.

If you’re interested in dating polyamorously even if you don’t get to date specific people, check out my page on finding polyamorous people to date!

My partner's friends are telling her that being polyamorous with me sets her up for hurt and abandonment

I’m married to a man and poly with a woman as well. We just started dating and she said she told her best friends about me and my lifestyle and they freaked! They told her she is going to get hurt and that she should find someone else. I don’t know what to do without having support from the closest people in her life and I don’t want to be seen as a flight risk just because they don’t understand commitment and polyamory. I have no idea how to meet these people eventually without feeling hurt.

This is not actually an actionable problem for you right now. Some people you don’t know, but who know someone you’re close to, are being ignorant. There’s nothing you can do, or should try to do, about that.

Be there for your partner - she’s dealing with the pain of being judged and rejected by her friends. If she asks, help provide her with resources about coming out as polyamorous, or ways she can explain to her friends that what she’s doing is healthy and consensual. But if she doesn’t ask, leave the topic alone. Don’t try to argue with her friends through her.

She may be believing these people, and worrying about the security of your relationship with her. Do what you can to reassure her, through words and actions, that you are safe and committed. Answer her questions when they come up. Don’t get defensive or act like it’s her obligation to either change her friends’ minds, or shut out their opinions completely. Be open, reassuring, and loving.

There is a chance that if these people are adamant enough or close enough to her to be convincing, she could get freaked out and wants to take some distance or leave the relationship, that will be frustrating and painful for you, but even though she’s acting on wrong information that other people are telling her, it’s her choice to make.

Don’t worry so much yet about meeting these friends of hers who you know don’t approve of your place in her life. It doesn’t sound like she’s pushing for that, or like you’re all about to go on a cruise together. If you’re at a social gathering with them, be charming and sweet while keeping enough polite distance to protect your own feelings.

I want to date someone else. My boyfriend seems okay with it, but won't say much.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 6 years, we've talked about having another person in our relationship (always with a she pronoun). Today I brought up a guy that wanted to take me on a date, and asked him if he was okay with it, all I got was a "well if you want to". I do want to see this new guy but don't want to upset my partner either. What do you think I should do?

It sounds like it’s just you who would be dating this new guy. That means that the third person is not “in your relationship.” There is a new relationship that would form. This is generally called V-shaped or “Vee” polyamory. It’s important to have the right language for what you’re feeling and doing, because that can help you frame it in an accurate way, approach it without assumptions or misunderstandings, and point you to helpful resources.

Polyamory requires open and honest communication. “Well, if you want to” does not qualify. You need to talk to your boyfriend about his best-case and worst-case scenario, as well as yours. What do you want out of this? How do you feel? How does he feel? What might change between you two? What are dealbreakers for each of you? What questions do both of you have?

If he’s not willing or able to have this kind of conversation, then he’s probably not someone able to be in a healthy polyamorous or open relationship.

Some short, FAQ-answerable questions

my significant other recently came out as Poly to me. I understand them but while looking up what it means to be poly I found the term Polygamy I was wondering what it means because all the dictionary and google searches for its meaning say pretty much the same thing that its a marriage between more than two people. While searching I found the term Polygamist and I was wondering are Polygamy and polygamist the same thing? I don't want to offend them and you’re good at explaining stuff like this.

Polyamory and polygamy are not the same thing. Polyamory is a way of being in relationships that prioritizes consent, intentionality, and communication. Polygamy is the institution of plural marriage, typically associated with oppressive cults. You can read more about that here. The term you should be searching and reading about is “polyamory” - that should lead you into corners of the internet where you won’t be getting confused. Start with the resources here.

How can I find people who would actually like to be in a poly relationship?

Check my FAQ page on this here!

Hi! I was wondering if we could talk pm!

I’m sorry, but no. You can read about my policy here.

I've sent in several questions over the past year and not seen them answered. Is this a case of Tumblr eating them, or are you just really busy? How long is your queue? I love what you do and don't mean to complain. I'm just wondering.

I answer this here!

I think I might be poly but I'm not sure. As of right now I am happy in a mono relationship, but I do not think I would be opposed to being in a poly relationship. I have had crushes on more then one person at a time and even have one now while in a mono relationship I am happy in. What is your take on this, and do you have any advice on how I could figure this out?

Here’s my FAQ page on this!

My boyfriend got back with his ex, who I think is very bad for him

My boyfriend is poly, he has gotten a new boyfriend recently and he’s dated this boy in the past, he’s broken my boy so many times and apparently he’s gone to relationship counseling to fix himself. My boyfriend insists he has changed after three months of the counseling, they got back together a few days ago. He asked me if I was comfortable with him dating two other people I said this was fine but I didn’t ask who they were and finding out he’s with this guy again upsets me.

There first issue here is that your boyfriend seems to be lying by omission, saying “are you okay with me dating someone?” knowing that your answer will be “yes” in the general case, and neglecting to mention that it was this specific person. You need to make sure there’s an open line of communication between the two of you about your relationship, new partners, and concerns either of you have. If this is a pattern, you need to figure out whether he’s being evasive because he feels unsafe being honest with you, or just to avoid an unpleasant conversation, or what.

You can’t change your boyfriend’s mind about dating this person - but you can control how you respond to it. You can decide that this person is just not someone you want to be polyamorously connected to, and choose to leave the relationship if it means having him as a metamour. You could decide that you’re not willing to discuss this person with your boyfriend, and that includes advice, comfort, venting, anything. You could decide that you don’t want to be around this person. But all of those are your choices, based on the information you have: that your boyfriend is going to date this person, despite your objections.

Consider also checking your language: you say he has “broken” “your” boy, and that might signal some extremity in your perspective. Your boyfriend has not been “broken” - it’s pretty difficult to actually “break” a person - he may have been hurt, disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. Using clear, specific terms for feelings helps us address them better. And he is not “your boy” - he is his own person, and his relationships with other people are mostly his business. I don’t doubt you that this person is emotionally dangerous, but don’t make it worse with language that frames your reaction in extreme terms that make things harder, not easier, to address and resolve.

Instead of talking about what this person has “done to your boyfriend,” focus on the impact it’s having on your - “seeing my boyfriend so hurt makes me miserable, and I don’t want to be in this situation, having this person as a metamour is not right for me.” That’s a much better framing, because it focuses on what you can control in your responses.

One of my metamours treats me, and our mutual partner, terribly

my partner and i are both poly, in non-hierarchal relationships (i have one other partner they have two, and even though we’re not primaries, we’re the more serious relationship) but i Hate one of their parters. he treats me really poorly when we’re all together and i don’t like how he treats them either, but i don’t know how to bring it up without upsetting them cause even though they’re aware of how poorly he treats them and me, they feel like it’s worth it to stay with him and idk what to do.

You can't control your partner's choices or thoughts - but you can control your own behavior. If someone treats you poorly, you can choose not to be around them. Tell your partner "I don't appreciate how Klavfin treats me and makes me feel, so I'm not going to be around him anymore." That's not you setting an ultimatum, or making a demand. You're not saying "stop seeing Klavfin," or "never invite Klavfin to a hangout" - you're just stating what boundaries you're going to hold. 

Your partner might feel frustrated by this, since it's difficult to accommodate around partners who don't like each other, but that's their response to choose. You're giving them information: that you don't want to be around this person. They can respond to that information however they choose.

People may accuse you of "starting drama," but that's not your problem. You get to decide how you want to be treated and who you want to spend time around. If that means you decline an invitation to a dinner, or make yourself scarce when he's around, that's fine! Don't try to get people to pick sides, or start a whisper campaign to oust this guy from your poly network - those usually backfire.

It's frustrating and painful to see your partner stay with someone who, from your perspective, is an ass. And there's a time and place to point out specific behaviors you have an issue with, and remind your partner that they don't deserve to be treated that way. But beyond that, remember that your partner is going to make their own choices, and all you can do is make the best calls for yourself.

I want to date another boy, but my boyfriend isn't okay with it

I entered this relationship monogamously and I fell deeply in love with him before realizing I was poly. we've talked extensively about this and usually it's always along the lines of staying monogamous unless I meet a girl (lmao straight boys) But the thing is im also in love with this other boy. I've been trying to find a way to bring up opening our relationship because i feel like this is borderline cheating but I know he won't go for it. Any advice?

If you "know" he won't go for it, then there's not much advice I can give you. If you're pretty confident that your partner wouldn't be okay with you dating another boy, then there are no magic words you can say, no perfect way to "bring it up" that will change his mind.

Stop worrying about how to influence his choices - the only thing you can control is you. You can act on the information you have. This guy has made it very clear that he wouldn't be okay in a relationship where you are seeing another boy. That doesn't sound like a reality you can change - only something you can respond to.

Do you want to stay with this person? Then it sounds like you'll need to let go of your plans to date this other boy. It is possible to want something and not get it, and in fact a lot of people in monogamous relationships have to actively choose not to act on certain desires. Do you want the freedom to date polyamorously? Then it sounds like you might need to leave your current relationship, because "convince the guy you're seeing to be okay with it" is, by your own admission, not something that will work out. 

(It is true that there are plenty of good arguments, explanations, etc. about why your boyfriend's perspective is perhaps not the most accurate or healthy. But I'm not going to harp on about "one penis policies" and the like, because if he's made it clear to you how he feels, your role now is to make your choices based on that information, not try to wheedle and cajole and argue him out of it.)

My boyfriend wants me to be comfortable trying polyamory, but I am not

My boyfriend wants to have a poly relationship and I've expressed how uncomfortable it would make me. He says he wants me to be comfortable and trusting enough to do it. I'm afraid that if we end up trying it, that I won't like it and he'll continue and I'll be uncomfortable.

When you say that he wants you to be comfortable enough to do it, I'm not sure if you mean he's said "I want to do this, but only if you're comfortable with it" or "I want you to become comfortable with this."

The first one is fine; he's told you what he wants, but seems to understand that you don't want that. If you're not able or willing to try polyamory, that's totally your right. He can decide to stay in a mono relationship with you, or decide he has to leave the relationship because being able to pursue polyamory is a dealbreaker for him.

The second one is less fine. You don't get to just ask someone to have a feeling; we don't have little knobs inside our brain we can fiddle with and get ourselves to the settings that someone wants us to have. If he is trying to pressure or guilt you into "being comfortable" with something you simply aren't comfortable with, that's not okay. Tell him to drop the issue, and if he won't, leave him.

Your last sentence also concerns me. You're dating someone who, somehow, through his actions or words, has made you worry that he'd continue doing something even if you're uncomfortable with it. It has nothing to do with polyamory - if my boyfriend invited me to try rock climbing with him, but I was worried that if I tried it and didn't like it, he'd continue to pressure me into doing it, not accept my expression that I didn't want to anymore, and try to hold me permanently to my initial willingness to try it out, that would be a major red flag that he just isn't healthy to date.

It's completely fine to try something in good faith, then realize, based on what you learned while trying it, that you don't like it. If someone won't accept that, or bulldozes over your feelings, they are not someone you should be dating. Do not be with someone who makes you worry that they won't listen to or respect how you feel. 

My partner insists on dating other people, which makes me miserable

my girlfriend cheated on me with one of our friends. she told me before she cheated that she had feelings for him, but i told her i was not comfortable with it because i am mono and feel horrible about the idea of her with someone else but she kissed him anyways. she now has decided she is dating both of us without my consent. i really do not want to leave our relationship, we both love each other so much and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and i feel like leaving would endanger both mine and her lives. she is not mentally stable but sees a therapist. i don't know what to do, because she says she needs both of us to be happy, but if that happens i’m going to be increasingly depressed. i’m just so lost right now and there doesn’t seem to be any way to solve this.

Your partner cheated on you, is trying to force you into polyamory without your consent, and is holding your emotions hostage by saying that you being happy is a "need" that somehow she deserves to have met. You know that staying in this relationship on these terms will make you "increasingly depressed." Friend, you've got to leave this relationship.

What you want to keep is your ideal, best-case-scenario possibility of this relationship, not the reality of it. What you're holding onto doesn't exist anymore. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can start healing.

It is not okay, and not healthy, to be held hostage to implied, or explicit, threats of suicide. You are not obligated to stay with someone just because their mental health would be impacted by you leaving. It's okay to call your partner's therapist and see if they can help you and her through this; or to ask your partner if you can come to a session with her. You also absolutely need to see someone yourself - please find a therapist asap. Reach out to friends for support. Don't get dragged into a spiral of managing her mental health for her; if she threatens self-harm or suicide, connect her to her therapist, a hotline, or a friend, and then take space. 

Check out my mental health resources here, and good luck getting out of this situation. You don't deserve to feel so trapped and unhappy.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site,! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

some quick questions

Hey, what is the difference between polyamorous and polysexual? I saw two flags and I am a bit confused.

Polysexual is a sexual orientation and it has to do with who you're sexually attracted to. Polyamory is a relationship orientation and it has to do with how you date. Polysexual means being attracted to multiple genders. Polyamory means having multiple relationships.

Do you answer asks for advice?

Yes. That is the point of this blog. You can send them here.

How do i begin my adventures of polyamory?

Check out my FAQ here.

Is it okay to want to be in a closed triad with a man and a woman?

Yes, that is a perfectly fine thing to want! It may be hard to find, but it's perfectly okay for that to be your best-case-scenario!

Can I still consider myself polyamorous if my partner and I are not currently looking for someone to add to the relationship, but consider it an option for ourselves in the future?

Sure, just like someone who is gay but choosing to stay single for a while is still gay. But reconsider the "add someone to the relationship" framing

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site,! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

We are a triad and want to travel to somewhere accepting

We are a triad and want places we can travel where we can be ourselves, are there any good places for us?

If you just want to be able to be out in public and hold hands and be generally affectionate as three people, I'd figure that most major cities have enough going on that you won't be attacked or kicked out of a restaurant for that. San Francisco, New York, Portland - places that have reputations for being progressive and cosmopolitan.

You could also book a getaway somewhere remote where there isn't anyone to bother you. Camping, cabins, somewhere in nature where your business is no one else's business. In my experience, places like naturalist hot springs and other retreat spots that attract the "crunchy granola" crowd tend to be really chill and accepting. 

There are also polyamory-focused conventions in various places, if you want to travel to an event that's focused on polyamory explicitly. Here are some events from Loving More, something called Poly Big Fun, and a list of polyamory events. Conventions and festivals focused on kink or BDSM are also very poly-friendly, if that's tangential to any of your interests. 

NOTE: As of this post, comments are open on the main site,! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

My family thinks my relationship is abusive because it's polyamorous.

I became polyamorous because my partner was and wanted to open up our relationship. I'll admit I struggled with it at first but did so consensually and after a while I realized I loved it and never want to go back to being monogamous. Well, my family found out and now they are all convinced that I'm being abused and manipulated by my partner who introduced me to the idea. I've expressed myself as clearly as I possibly can that I agreed to it and love the lifestyle but they still treat my partner suspiciously/accusingly and it's making life really hard. I don't want to lose my family and I appreciate they care but it really messes with my head and makes me question my own sanity which isn't fair or helpful, they talk like they need to rescue me from a cult or something. Establishing distance seems to only make their concern worse and more stalker-y. What would you suggest?

This is a tough one to answer, because I don't have any perspective on your relationship. So I'll try to answer in two parts:

If you're confident that your relationship is not abusive, then your family is just being judgmental and ignorant, and it's okay for you to take distance. I have personally had this experience - once, an ob-gyn I was seeing insisted on pressing domestic violence pamphlets into my hand when she found out I had multiple partners. She was very concerned and kept telling me that "men will twist your head to get you to think that this is okay," which is funny because I was the initiator of polyamory with my male partner ten years ago. There are people whose partners sleep around on them and employ abusive tactics to get them to accept it, but you and I are not those people!

It's okay to tell your family "it's rude, alienating, and cruel of you to continue to act and talk like my partner is abusing me. My relationship is one of consent and love, and if you can't accept that, then for my own health I need to take some distance." And then do that. Surround yourself with people who understand you and lift you up. Sure, taking distance makes your family more concerned, but it sounds like they're committed to their warped worldview and they're just going to up the emotional pressure if you try to get out from under it. Making you "question your sanity" is a nasty tactic and anyone who makes you feel like that is awful. Let them be concerned and wrong over there. Far away from you.

If, however - and this seems very unlikely based on the language in your letter, but - if you have any thoughts in the back of your mind that they might be right, if there's a chance that those conflicted thoughts that bubble up when they put the pressure on could be meaningful - check in with friends, other people in the polyamorous community, read up on healthy polyamory. Sometimes families are just bigoted and manipulative. But sometimes, if a ton of people are flagging your partner as abusive, it's worth thinking about a bit more deeply. Sometimes we are too deep in things to really see the whole story. I know I've been in abusive relationships where all my friends were telling me that he was no good, that I should leave him, etc. but I had a hard time hearing them. They could see from the outside what I was in too deep to see.

Polyamory isn't abusive, but polyamorous people can be abusive. If that sounds at all possible, just check in with yourself about it. You might realize that no, your family is just getting you all twisted up with their own nonsense. In that case, loop back to part one. Take some distance and work to build a healthy, affirming polyamorous community around yourself. 

Am I polyamorous if I'm only interested in two people?

Am I poly if I’m only interested in two specific people? I’m interested in a relationship with them, but the thought of being in a non-monogamous relationship with anyone else just feels wrong.

Of course! I answered a nearly identical question here. To quote from that answer:

Monogamous people don't think "hm, I can't see myself in a monogamous person with my hairdresser or my coworker - maybe I'm not really mono!" Straight men don't think "oh no, there are women out there who I don't want to date - do I count as a straight man?"

Of course you only want to date the people you want to date. Of course you can only see yourself being polyamorous with the people you want to date polyamorously. That's totally fine. You're in love with the people you're in love with - and it happens to be multiple people - so you're polyamorous. It doesn't matter how you feel about anyone else! 

A few short questions

Is it fine if I use a link to your FAQ as a reference for some people who are asking about polyamory?

Of course! Please always feel free to link my blog and any of my resources. 

My husband and I are trying to start a triad but we don't really know many people in our area, how would you suggest meeting local polyamorous people?

Check out my FAQ on this!

I feel like I may be polyamorous, but I don't think I know what it exactly means and how I could be it?

Here is my FAQ page on this!

I want a polyamorous arrangement, but my girlfriend does not.

I have always known that I'm polyamorous, and I want to try an arrangement with my girlfriend but she cant stand the thought of me being with other people, sexually or emotionally. I've tried to explain my intentions, and that me seeing others will never lead me to not loving her, but she refuses to give it a go. We've been at a loss for quite some time now. Any thoughts?

My thoughts are that you are, as you put it, "at a loss." She "can't stand the thought" of it and "refuses to give it a go." There are no magic words you can say to change her mind about that. For some people, polyamory is just not a healthy and fulfilling choice.

If a polyamorous arrangement is critical for you, then this relationship won't work out. Couples run into 'dealbreakers' all the time - one wants kids, the other doesn't; one wants to move to Iceland and become a goat farmer, the other doesn't. 


I'm dating two people, but I also want them to date each other

My husband and I are poly. We've been together since HS and we talked about it a lot before deciding to try and meet people. Well, I met this wonderful girl and I have been dating her for a while. My husband likes her as a friend, and she likes him as a friends as well. However, I'd really like our relationship to include all of us, like we're all in a relationship with each other. Do you have any advice or tips on how to bring it up with the both of them without it coming off weird?

You can't 'want' two people into a relationship. It's fine for you to have a best-case scenario, a daydream, a fantasy, a wish - but two people will either have feelings for each other, or they won't. Just because it's ideal for you doesn't mean it can happen, will happen, or is the best for everyone else.

It's fine to bring it up as a hypothetical, saying something like "Hey Jeremeth, you seem to get along well with Clotilda - would you ever be interested in dating her too?" And then again with Clotilda. Bring it up when you two are alone, so no one feels pressured or awkward.

If they don't seem interested, it's best to drop it. Your desires don't really factor in here - they're two individual people who can want what they want. Don't make it sound like a suggestion or a request. It's not their obligation to try and conjure feelings for another person just because that would make you happiest.

Think through why you want this and whether you can meet those needs and desires another way. Recognize and honor the intimacy they already have as friends, and ask yourself what's missing from that that you're wanting. If it's physical intimacy, consider finding someone interested in a threesome. If it's deeper, more investment in the relationship, continue including her, doing things together the three of you - but recognize that you may not be able to get everything you want from this person and this relationship, if it turns out that they're both not interested in this arrangement.