How do I deal with Jealousy? I’m with a man who is married and I live with the couple, but any time he goes out somewhere especially overnight, I find it difficult to deal with. I also find it difficult to get into a relationship with someone else because I don’t want them to know that I have this relationship going on with this guy. Also, I’m scared this may end badly like all my other relationships. I’m a mess, can you help?
There’s a lot here to unpack. The first issue you listed is that you struggle with jealousy, especially when your partner leaves overnight. In my experience, the way to address jealousy is by forcing it to name itself. What are you specifically jealous of? Are you worried he’ll find someone else he prefers, and leave you? Are you worried he’s seeing someone who offers him something he doesn’t, and you feel threatened by that? Do you just feel lonely, bored, and abandoned on nights he isn’t with you? Figuring out where the jealousy is coming from can help you take steps to address it.
The second issue is that you want to keep this relationship a secret from other partners. That’s a bad idea. Any healthy relationship must be based on consent - and anyone you date must be able to consent to being part of this arrangement. Having partners that your other partners don’t know about is called cheating, not polyamory, and it’s unethical. Again, some introspection could help here. Why don’t you want other people to find out? Are you worried about judgment in your social circle? Do you fear that other people won’t want to be with you once they find out? Does the idea of trying to explain and introduce the situation to another person overwhelm you? Once you identify the specific issue, you can start working on it, and reaching out to others in the poly community to see how they’ve solved that problem.
And third, you mentioned that you’re afraid this might all end badly. Let me share a story with you. One time, I went to a restaurant with my friends and ordered calamari, which I love. Then, later that night, I got very very sick. It was scary and uncomfortable and all around sheer misery. I realize that ordering seafood at a restaurant is inherently risky. I am not in control of how safely it’s being prepared, and I can’t even see to check whether it’s safe. I can only know that I’ll have the fun experience of eating tasty calamari, and that later, it might cause me pain. Is that enough to scare me off eating calamari forever? No. We can’t know or control the future, but that shouldn’t prevent us from enjoying the present. Sure, some relationships end badly. But if you just spend the whole time worrying about a potentially bad future, you’ll never be able to take in the joys of the present.