i identify as a monogamus person, but ive recently got into a relationship with a girl that is poly. Shes dating 4 other boys and while im ok with that, im a little nervous since i feel i could be easily disposed. And i cant open up and love the others as well because im a lesbian. Ive expressed these feelings to her but she just said not to worry. Do you have any advice for me?
There’s a lot here to address. First: kudos to you for jumping in and trying this even though it’s out of your comfort zone. I certainly hope the girl you’re dating has been grateful and patient and acknowledged the risk and sacrifice you’re taking to step into this with her.
Second: the fact that your partner is dating other people doesn’t mean you “could be easily disposed.” People (especially poly people) don’t date people for the sake of it, or just to avoid being single. They date people who they like and feel a connection with. When I went through a breakup with one of my partners recently, I was devastated. I really cherished him and the relationship we had, and I was sad about losing that. It wasn’t like “oh, no big, I’ve got backups.” The fact that I have other relationships doesn’t mean that the loss of one isn’t important.
Think about it this way - which do you like more, your bed or your fridge? If you had to get rid of one, which would you pick? It’s certainly a hard choice, and one that doesn’t make much sense. The bed and the fridge meet different needs for you, and one doesn’t replace the other. If you lost your fridge, you couldn’t just start storing food in your bed and go on like normal. Each relationship occupies a different part of our life, and they’re not fungible or disposable.
Second: You’re not obligated to become romantically involved with your partner’s partners. If you feel like your partner is pushing for that, or hoping for it, or idealizing that as the end result, have a clear chat with her about that. That said, you can totally open up and come to love these guys without getting sexually and romantically involved with them. Being part of a poly network or family can be warm and fulfilling for some people - so if you’d like to grow close to them, it’s totally possible to do that even without the expectation of becoming partners yourselves.
Third: If your partner is dismissing your concerns, that’s a big red flag. Polyamory requires open communication, and part of that is making sure you understand, honor, and respond to issues that your partners bring to you. Your partner may be trying to reassure you that you won’t be replaced, but you deserve to have your concerns heard and addressed deeply rather than with a sweeping “don’t worry about it.” Let your girlfriend know that you do want to try making this work with her, but that means she needs to guide you a bit more, explaining things and hearing you out.