I recently visited and had sex with with my 2nd partner (long distance) for the first time and when I came back I felt different about my live-in partner. I don’t feel sexually attracted to him since I got back. What is wrong with me? Am I horrible?

You are not horrible, first off. This kind of feeling is actually pretty normal. Give yourself a break and let yourself think and feel through this.

Having sex with a new person is very different than sex with someone you’ve been with for a long time and live with. You’re both trying to be on your best game. Everything is new and exciting. Also, when you visit a long distance partner, you are essentially on vacation. You bring less of your daily grind and stress into those interactions, and by extension the sex. You’ve also probably been building up a lot of sexual energy over the time you’ve been apart by sexting or whatever else you built the relationship on.

So now your brain has two very different things to compare, and it’s natural for your long-term, live-in partner to suddenly seem less interesting than passionate, first-time sex with someone you’ve been waiting to see for a while and without any of the baggage of your regular life.

The first thing to do is just to be gentle with yourself and give it time. You’re still riding on the high of visiting your partner, missing them, reliving the awesome sex in your mind. That will settle down. (If it doesn’t after a while, if you really just snapped entirely out of your attraction to your partner, that’s a different issue to address, but that’s pretty rare, and a bridge to cross if you come to it.)

The second thing to do is be thoughtful and intentional when working through this in your mind. This is a good signal that it might be time to spice things up with your live-in partner. What was it about the sex with your new partner that was so great? Can you introduce some of those elements with your live-in partner? 

Ways to re-energize sexual intimacy in a long term, live-in relationship include:

  • Taking the Mojo Upgrade together
  • Finding erotic stories that depict fantasies you relate to, and sharing them (literotica is a good place to start)
  • Finding images or videos that depict fantasies you relate to, and sharing them
  • Sharing your own fantasies, either verbally or in writing
  • Shopping for new sex toys together, in a store or online
  • Being mindful of the energy you bring into the bedroom - if you end each day relieving stress by venting about your work stresses, it’s no wonder there aren’t many fireworks to be found when you finally flop into bed together

This feeling you’re having is good to dig into - it’s very information rich - but the information it’s giving you is probably not that you’re horrible or that you should leave your partner. It’s just letting you know that you have some desires that feel awesome when they’re met, and that there may be some better ways to get them met by all your partners!