I’m currently looking for my first poly relationship, after two and a half years my gf and I decided we would like to add a third person to our relationship. It’s now been well over six months and we’re not having much luck. We’ve had a few dates here and there but no one wanting a committed and closed 3 party relationship. This is made harder by the fact that my gf and I are lesbians. Is this an uncommon relationship type? Am I expecting too much or am I just looking in the wrong place?
Think about this from a statistical point of view: You are looking for a “closed, three party relationship,” which means you need someone who is:
- Physically attracted to you
- Physically attracted to your partner
- Physically attractive to you
- Physically attractive to your partner
- Intellectually interested in you
- Intellectually interested in your partner
- Intellectually interesting to you
- Intellectually interesting to your partner
- Sexually compatible with you
- Sexually compatible with your partner
- Emotionally engaged with you
- Emotionally engaging to you
- Emotionally engaged with your partner
- Emotionally engaging to your partner
- Interested in a closed triad
Consider how hard it is for straight monogamous people to find someone to date - it takes most people way longer than six months to find someone. And they have it easier, statistically - they only have to find someone:
- Physically attracted to them
- Physically attractive to them
- Intellectually interested in them
- Intellectually interesting to them
- Sexually compatible with them
- Emotionally engaged with them
- Emotionally engaging with them
So you’re up against two numerical challenges:
- One: There are just fewer poly lesbians interested in closed triads than there are straight mono people trying to date. No matter where you are, in this day and age, straight people looking for a mono relationship make up the numerical majority.
- Two: you’ve significantly increased the number of requirements for compatibility. Now they need to be into two people and two people need to be into them.
So, from that perspective, six months is not a long time to be looking at all.
From another perspective: think about the approach you’re taking. You don’t really “add another person to your relationship” - people aren’t sex toys you pick out with your partner together to spice things up. Imagine reading a dating profile by a person saying “I am looking to add a girlfriend to my life” - would you want to be a thing added to their life, or would that perspective and phrasing put you off?
Think independently, and talk together, about why you want to shift your relationship this way, why it’s important to be in a closed triad, what you have to offer people you date, whether you two as a couple form a “unit” to date another person and how that impacts your expectations, etc.
What you are doing is generally referred to as “unicorn hunting” in the poly community, and you can read about some of the challenges and risks of unicorn hunting here. I get a lot of questions like this, so I am working on a resources and FAQ page - in the meantime, check out my unicorn tag.