I’ve asked a couple questions in the past and I really appreciate your advice. My next question mostly has to do with jealousy. I’m hitting a wall (like the great wall of china sized wall) when it comes to attempting to rationalize away my jealousy. I want my wife to be happy but I want to be happy too. It’s really the only thing left that I’m having a REALLY big problem with but I want the relationship to work! Any advice as to how I can master my jealousy?
The fact that you want to “master” your jealousy means that you’re already halfway there! Seeing it as something that can - and should - be dealt with already puts you on a direct path to healthy compersion. You’ll get there! Your wife sounds like a really lucky woman.
One thing I’d advise you to do now is to give yourself a break. Let yourself feel your feelings. It is okay to let yourself be a little shaky or insecure or jealous during this adjustment process. In fact, if you let yourself be jealous but don’t let yourself act on it (by getting upset with your wife or demanding change), you might see that the whole thing plays out just fine, and that your reasons for being jealous and the fears behind the jealousy never actually came true. Watching that happen will help you quiet the green-eyed monster the next time it comes around. Beating yourself up and getting frustrated every time you feel jealous only makes things harder on you - so take a deep breath and stop trying to “rationalize” the jealousy away for now. Let it be, and you’ll probably notice it fading as you and your wife adjust. Be gentle with yourself.
Another thing - communicate openly and honestly with your wife about this. See my advice in other columns about this here and here. You guys are embarking on this adventure together! We use the word “partner” to refer to people in relationships because that’s truly what it is: a partnership. Help her help you by being clear about your feelings and needs. But the conversation doesn’t need to immediately jump to “let’s fix these problems NOW.” It can just be you saying “hey, I’m feeling this way right now, and I just wanted to talk about it with you,” and her responding with some reassurance and hugs.
Here are some other resources on polyamory and jealousy at Practical Polyamory and More Than Two, but I would suggest waiting a bit before diving into them. It sounds like you’ve been trying to brute-force your way through jealousy, and you deserve a break. Leave this problem alone for a little while. Let yourself feel jealous - don’t stew, don’t pick fights, just acknowledge the emotion without feeling like you need to immediately master it. Don’t treat your brain like a whack-a-mole game, instantly smacking down every bit of jealousy that pops up. Let yourself be okay with the current state of affairs and let time do at least some of the work for you.