I’ve been in a ldr with my bf for about 8 months now. I was just wondering if it’s wrong of me to feel upset when he tells me about all the things he buys for his other partners but he never offers to buy me gifts or anything? I don’t just want gifts from him 24/7 and if he offered I’d probably tell him no but it’s the offer that counts. I don’t know why exactly it upsets me it just makes me feel less important I guess? What are your thoughts?
First off: feelings aren’t wrong, they’re just feelings. You don’t need permission to feel your feelings, it’s okay!
When it comes to polyamory, and long distance relationships, small things can often take on large emotional significance, and that’s totally okay. Problems happen when something that’s significant to one person isn’t even on the other person’s radar. (This is why, despite the weird conservative-“Christian” connections, I like the concept of Love Languages - I think it’s really helpful for understanding this kind of situation.)
It’s totally valid for you to feel hurt by someone else’s behavior, but that doesn’t make their behavior inherently bad or malicious. It’s not like your partner is in the store going “Hey, I’m totally going to buy something for Pearl and Amethyst, but NOT Garnet, because she’s less important! That’ll show her!” It’s probably an oversight, a mismatch of “love languages” - honestly, as someone who has lots of long distance loves, I’m less likely to buy them things just because it’s a whole extra step and expense to ship them. It sounds like you know that intellectually, but knowing that doesn’t make the emotional sting go away. Which is also totally okay!
The best thing to do in this situation is to gently bring it up with your partner. Something like “hey, it’s not that I want you to buy me things, exactly, it’s that I know you use gifts as a way to show affection for your other partners, and since we’re long distance and that’s harder to include in our relationship, it makes me feel left out.” Then you two can brainstorm a way for him to show you affection in that way as well - maybe he can send you little gifts online, ordered to your address; maybe you can pick out a monthly subscription box (they have those for EVERYTHING now, from candy to dog toys to underwear) for him to sign you up for, maybe you just need to think of another way he can show you that you’re important, like emails or letters. Or maybe you’ll just feel better hearing him say “oh, wow, I never realized that, I’m sorry, I never meant it that way!”
No matter what, having a gentle, non-accusatory chat about it should help you both out! (And if he gets angry or defensive or otherwise responds poorly to a very healthy, reasonable chat about your needs, that does NOT mean that you shouldn’t have brought it up or that your feelings were wrong - it’s a red flag about him.)