My fiance and his girlfriend had been having issues recently and it causes me a lot of anxiety. They have worked on things but I panic when they hang out because I was abused and I noticed red flags. But also I have a lot of issues and feel like I can’t ask for help if they are hanging out. I end up feeling like I messed up everything if I do ask for help and she held me asking him for help against him. But also feel bad because I now feel like I need help so often that they dont have time to help
Anxiety and panic from past trauma can be big, hairy, and challenging. It is good that you are reaching out for help, but it is also okay for other people to recognize that they cannot be your 24/7 crisis management team. I am sorry to hear that your partner’s partner is “holding it against him” - that is not a healthy way for her to set that boundary. But it sounds like there are unmet needs all over the place here.
You have done the work of recognizing that you need help, and reaching out for it, which is awesome. But you may need to start expanding your network of resources. When your partner is with his girlfriend, it is okay for him to want some uninterrupted time without also needing to be present to your struggles. If you aren’t already working with a therapist on this, please consider doing that. Check out online support forums or chats, self-help workbooks and activities as well. Reach out to other friends who may be able to sit with you or talk with you when your partner isn’t available. Work on developing independent self-soothing techniques.
This can help you take some of the weight off your relationship with your fiance, so he has more “emotional bandwidth” for the times when you really need him, and so you two can enjoy each other in a relational context that isn’t always centered on helping you. I am not saying that it’s not okay to ask for help, or to need help, but since you’ve recognized that you have more needs than your fiance can meet and the level of that need is causing strain, the solution is to find some more hands to help carry that load and work to lighten the load overall.