So I am currently single-ish. My soon-to-be partner is married to a man who is strictly monogamous, and we are both gay. She is getting a divorce and then we are going to finally be in a poly relationship. We have both come to terms with it, but here is my problem. I have never been Poly, was raised Monogamous and always been in monogamous relationships, so sometimes I still get overly jealous, especially about 1 person, her first love/ex gf. I hate her! How can I be okay with her being with Her
Is your soon-to-be-partner still connected to her first love/ex-gf? If so, try to identify what part of their relationship bothers you. Is it that you worry you’ll never measure up to someone’s “first love”? Our culture romanticizes that “first love” a lot, and leads us to believe that they’re someone you never truly get over, but that’s not always the case. Remind yourself that this woman has chosen to be with you, not her ex, and trust her choices and agency on that front.
Maybe you feel threatened by this person because they play an important role in your STBP’s past - I don’t have all the details here, but it sounds like since she identifies as gay and is divorcing a monogamous man, her self-realization as a gay woman is relatively recent. Is this first love/ex the person who helped your STBP discover her identity as a gay woman? If so, you might feel threatened by that - but again, remember that your STBP is no longer with this person, and is choosing to be with you instead. Exes are exes for a reason, and even if she was a significant part of your STBP’s life, she was a stepping stone on the way to you, not some looming background figure casting a shadow on the present.
Or, maybe the reason they’re exes is because your STBP was hurt badly by this person, and you hate her for what she did to a person you love. It can be hard to feel anything but anger towards the exes of your partners, because you often hear about the worst parts of that relationship rather than the positives that led them to get together in the first place. If your STBP is choosing to stay in contact with a person you believe is toxic and abusive, say something - otherwise, try to accept that these people have a connection, but remember that it doesn’t reflect on or threaten the connection you have with this woman today.