So, I don’t really know where to go and need help with this. I’ve been with my partners for almost two years now and every time they have sex, I get uncomfortable or sad. I always think it’s because of some outside reason but what if it’s not?

This calls for some serious introspection.

What are the “outside reasons” you attribute the sadness to? Maybe there is a larger issue in your life that you’re projecting onto the situation of your partners having sex.

Is there a pattern to the “outside reasons” you attribute it to? Maybe there is an underlying issue about feeling left out, feeling threatened, etc.

How does the sadness feel? Is it loneliness? Jealousy? Anger? Insecurity? It may feel silly, but there are lots of online tools, apps, and worksheets to help with identifying or labeling feelings, which can really help.

What helps the sadness get better? Some doctors solve medical mysteries by trying a bunch of different medicines, then when one works, diagnosing the patient with whatever that medicine treats. If you immediately feel better once your partners are back with you, that may mean it’s a clear response to the situation.

Why are you so emotionally tuned-in to their sex life? Is there a way you could reduce your knowledge of it so you aren’t suffering like this? Do they rub it in your face or flaunt it?

Once you identify more about what’s going on, the next step is to talk to your partners about how you feel and what you think would help you feel better.

If lots of things in your life make you sad, or the sadness is disrupting your life, see a mental health professional.

If, after you’ve done some introspection and talked about it with your partners, it’s obvious that simply being in a multi-partner relationship makes you sad on a fundamental level - if it’s not about something else but simply the fact that your partners are having sex without you - then this relationship may not be healthy for you. It is okay to discover that something isn’t working after trying it out! But do your homework first.