I can't stand my metamour - how can I change our damaged relationship?

1st poly relationship. Metamour made the first move, though I've been friends with Primary longer. In 2020, Metamour and I moved in together until Primary could join us in our first apartment. We got along great! Then when Primary moved in, Meta changed. We had a tiff over intimate situations, and Meta started letting a lot of responsibilities and chores around the house fall on me and Primary. It led to many, many, MANY fights and stressful nights. Now, me and Primary are living in a separate location, and Meta is still in the first apartment, of their own volition. I like them as a friend, sometimes, but there's so much anger and aggravation left over, I worry I can't stay with Primary, who is the love of my life, if it means having to interact with Meta all the time. Primary has done as best as they can to keep the peace but it's up to me and Meta to solve this problem. I don't know how to forgive them. What can I do?

I mean, do you have to? If you don’t like being around this person, is it an option to just…not? You’re living with your Primary, and their other partner has their own place, so if Primary wants to see Meta, you don’t need to be involved.

If you don’t want to stay with Primary “if it means having to interact with Meta all the time,” then you know what your desires, needs, and boundaries are. If there’s a way to stay with Primary without having to be super close and present to Meta, then great! Figure out how to make that happen, and then just accept the fact that there’s a person around the edges of your life who you don’t particularly like. Be civil when you have to, stay out of their way, don’t complain to Primary about how Meta bugs you, and let all parties involved live their lives.

If, however, Primary insists that they only want to date people who all get along, or if they’re pressuring you to spend more time around Meta, or if you simply find it intolerable to be in a relationship where you can’t stand your partner’s other partner, then you’ll have to decide whether to leave the relationship or try and make things work with Meta.

I can’t give you step by step instructions on how to forgive someone when it feels difficult, or how to retrain yourself to like someone who really bugs you (I am, personally, NOT well skilled in either of those) - but you could try some of the tips here. Really, though, it sounds like your best bet is to just give this person space, expect nothing from them, and live your own life while they live theirs.

My boyfriend's wife says she's okay with polyamory, but when we talk she cries about it

My bf said he was poly and said his wife was on board. She and I spoke by email for a while before meeting and she seemed happy and consenting. I have met her in person 3 times now and all she does is cry and talk about how hard this is. She is clearly not ok with this arrangement. I love my bf and am afraid to lose him but I hate that she is hurting. I offered to walk away (even though that would destroy me) but my bf said absolutely no. What do I do? Any way to make this better for her?

A couple of reality checks: First, leaving a relationship will not destroy you. You may be in a lot of grief and pain, but your structural integrity is not being threatened. You can and will survive the loss of a partner who you love. Also, your boyfriend saying “absolutely not” doesn’t mean you can’t leave a relationship. That’s your call to make. Finally, her emotional struggles are not your responsibility nor are they something you can control.

Ultimately, you need to decide whether you’re happy being in a relationship where your metamour is so unhappy. I’m of the belief that adults are allowed to take each other at their word, so the fact that she says she’s consenting is significant here. It’s possible that she just has lots of feelings about polyamory and thinks you’re the only person she can vent all this stuff out to, and that she’s less miserable than she seems. It’s possible that she’s really hurting and is refusing to acknowledge it for her own reasons.

Start by talking to your boyfriend. Tell him that whenever you and his wife meet in person, she tells you about how unhappy she is with this arrangement. Let him know that you’re really uncomfortable with this. What does he think? Does he mind? Does he think you have an obligation to manage his wife’s feelings? What is he prepared to do to make space in his relationship for a healthy exploration of polyamory?

Would he be okay with it if you stepped back from having conversations with his wife about this? It’s okay if you say that you’re happy to meet up with her socially and get to know each other, but that as metamours, you don’t think you’re able to process and receive her feelings about her relationship with her husband.

If your boyfriend isn’t able and willing to help you find a more sustainable way forward, one that doesn’t make you feel like you’re harming someone and doesn’t put the onus of handling his wife’s feelings onto you, then this could be worked out. But if he can’t collaborate with you on some healing work here - if he’s fine with this status quo where his wife pretends to be okay with something that she’s obviously not okay with, and where you’re asked to provide ad-hoc poly therapy to her - you’re better off leaving the relationship. He doesn’t have to “let you,” and you will suffer heartbreak, but neither of those things mean you must stay in a relationship that isn’t good for you.

My metamour helped my partner choose a gift for me, and I'm not sure how I feel about that

I am with Norrington, who’s also dating Elberta. This is my first poly relationship. On my birthday, Norrington mentioned that Elberta helped him choose a lovely, thoughtful present for me. Elberta and I get along, but aren’t very close. I’m not sure how to feel about her apparent involvement in mine and Norrington’s relationship, but I also know she meant well - she was being kind and helpful, not jealous or invasive (I don’t think). So my question: is it normal for metamours to be a little bit involved with the other’s relationship?

Yes, it is normal! Usually, people tend to have ‘types,’ or general personality preferences, when they date, so metamours often have certain things in common. So Elberta would likely be a good resource for Norrington to ask “what kind of gift should I get someone I’m dating? Do you think my other partner would like this?” And since the gift was, as you say, lovely and thoughtful, it sounds like his instincts were correct!

We use the word “partner” for a reason - because relationships are partnerships. People do things with their partners and often seek help, advice, support, or collaboration. Norrington is dating Elberta presumably because he thinks she’s intelligent and he respects her perspective. So it would make sense for him to consult her on this! Since she helped him choose something nice, she clearly was not acting out of any malice, and only a desire to help out her partner and metamour.

And even if it wasn’t “normal,” that wouldn’t necessarily make it problematic or bad. You got a great present, you have a metamour who supports your partner in his relationship with you, it’s all working, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. So if your question is genuinely “should I feel uncomfortable with this?” then my answer is a resounding no.

But if your question is really “I feel a little weird about this, and is that okay?” then my answer is a bit different. Of course you can’t control your feelings, and sometimes things bring up feelings for us that don’t feel useful or fair. It might help to think about why you feel uncomfortable. Do you feel like the gift isn’t really from your partner, and you wish he had done all the effort to figure it out? Do you just not like the idea of his other partner being involved? Do you feel pressure to get closer to Elberta, but you aren’t interested? Press in a bit on that discomfort and identify what’s going on with you so you can talk with Norrington about it and have a clearer problem/solution in mind besides “idk about her involvement in this.”