I can't stand my metamour - how can I change our damaged relationship?

1st poly relationship. Metamour made the first move, though I've been friends with Primary longer. In 2020, Metamour and I moved in together until Primary could join us in our first apartment. We got along great! Then when Primary moved in, Meta changed. We had a tiff over intimate situations, and Meta started letting a lot of responsibilities and chores around the house fall on me and Primary. It led to many, many, MANY fights and stressful nights. Now, me and Primary are living in a separate location, and Meta is still in the first apartment, of their own volition. I like them as a friend, sometimes, but there's so much anger and aggravation left over, I worry I can't stay with Primary, who is the love of my life, if it means having to interact with Meta all the time. Primary has done as best as they can to keep the peace but it's up to me and Meta to solve this problem. I don't know how to forgive them. What can I do?

I mean, do you have to? If you don’t like being around this person, is it an option to just…not? You’re living with your Primary, and their other partner has their own place, so if Primary wants to see Meta, you don’t need to be involved.

If you don’t want to stay with Primary “if it means having to interact with Meta all the time,” then you know what your desires, needs, and boundaries are. If there’s a way to stay with Primary without having to be super close and present to Meta, then great! Figure out how to make that happen, and then just accept the fact that there’s a person around the edges of your life who you don’t particularly like. Be civil when you have to, stay out of their way, don’t complain to Primary about how Meta bugs you, and let all parties involved live their lives.

If, however, Primary insists that they only want to date people who all get along, or if they’re pressuring you to spend more time around Meta, or if you simply find it intolerable to be in a relationship where you can’t stand your partner’s other partner, then you’ll have to decide whether to leave the relationship or try and make things work with Meta.

I can’t give you step by step instructions on how to forgive someone when it feels difficult, or how to retrain yourself to like someone who really bugs you (I am, personally, NOT well skilled in either of those) - but you could try some of the tips here. Really, though, it sounds like your best bet is to just give this person space, expect nothing from them, and live your own life while they live theirs.

My metamour chose a name that is very similar to mine

I have just learned that my metamour (who is gender queer and uses they/them pronouns) is switching to a chosen name rather than their given name. The name they have chosen is extremely similar to my name (the same four letters, just two letters are swapped places). It makes me kind of uncomfortable that our names are going to be so similar now and I think our shared partner feels a bit odd about it too. I really want to support their exploration of their gender identity and I know that a name one feels comfortable with is important, but it just makes me feel uneasy. Even as I write this it feels a bit petty, but I think it is compounded by the fact that we haven't had the best relationship for about a year and they have felt a lot of jealousy/insecurity about my relationship with our shared partner.

That definitely sounds like a weird situation, but my advice to you is to just try and let it go.

When people choose their name, especially as part of a transition or gender exploration, there’s usually a lot of soul searching and personal significance that goes into it. It’s highly unlikely that they chose that name as an attempt to bother you or influence your relationship with your shared partner. It very likely has absolutely nothing to do with you, and is just a coincidence.

In that case, if you Make A Deal Out Of This, then you’ll look petty and insecure, and it’ll be a bad look. There are only so many names out there in the world, and sometimes we have to share. (I had five - FIVE! - girls named Ashley in my first grade class.)

And if they did choose it in some part because of you, that’s their problem. I can’t imagine that such a choice would come from a healthy place, whether it’s jealousy or idolization or something, and I just feel bad for someone who is so emotionally stuck in issues around their metamour that they would choose a new name for themselves based on that. But even in that case, that’s really about them, and it doesn’t really affect you.

If that is the case, then if you Make A Deal Out Of This, you’ll only be giving them what they want. If this person is acting out of some weird power play or insecurity, other people will be able to see that pretty clearly, and you’ll only look extra gracious if you rise above it.

No matter what, the best thing you can do is just privately agree with your partner that it is a little odd, and then move on. I know plenty of polyamorous people who have partners with the same or similar names, and it’s actually very manageable. If someone else makes a comment about it, give it a shrug and a smile, and say that you appreciate their good taste in names as well as partners.

Should I get back together with my ex now that he's no longer with the woman who broke us up?

I was dating a guy, we'll call him Mark and his wife Nicole. Mark and Nicole were both poly. I started dating Mark and Nicole seemed great at first. She lost a relationship then it seemed like things got harder for her. Once Mark and I decided that we loved each other she was pretty much done. I had no intention of taking him away from her, ever. I am also married and I don't want to be with just Mark. So Nicole decided that Mark had to cut things off with me. It has been over a month now and I just heard from Mark. He told me that things aren't working out between him and Nicole, and they are getting a divorce. He wants to talk to me again after the divorce is finalized. Should I date him after the divorce is complete? I feel kind of all over the place with my emotions at the moment!!!

I don’t see why not. You know that you and Mark are good together, and the only reason you two broke up was because of issues with his wife. Now he has decided that he no longer wants to be with his wife, so the issue that broke you two up is gone, and he wants to resume the relationship.

If your “all over the place” emotions are coming from this internalized social rule that you shouldn’t date people recently after a divorce, you can pretty safely let go of those. You know a lot about who Mark is and how your relationship functions, and if you want to get back together with him, I see no reason not to.

But if those emotions are coming from genuine concerns that you have, of course, definitely sit with them and see if you can parse them out. Are you worried that there will be more drama with him? Did his decision to “cut things off” with you based on his wife’s demands reduce your trust in him? Think about why you’re feeling hesitant about getting back together with him, and communicate clearly with him about those issues. It’s okay to take things slowly and want to just chat or be friends for a while before jumping back into a relationship if that’s what you want.

How do I support my partner through a breakup with his other partner?

My metamour is divorcing my partner, which made my partner absolutely heartbroken. How do I comfort him through this? Should I just ask what I can do to help?

Yes, your instinct is correct that asking him how you can help is a good first step. Since I don’t know your partner, I can’t speak to what would be comforting to him. He may want to talk about it, or he may want a space where the divorce is not a huge part of his world; he may want lots of cuddles, or he may want more time alone than usual. Follow his lead!

However, people who are deep in grief or stress can’t always clearly ask for what they want or need to feel better, so you can also be a bit more proactive in supporting him. Doing small favors that take things off his plate - things like taking care of cleaning or household chores that he usually does, filling up his gas tank, bringing him his favorite foods, etc. - can really help.

You could also ask if he would like some help managing the nitty-gritty of the divorce process. Sometimes that can feel overwhelming, so if you’re up to it, he may appreciate help communicating with lawyers, dealing with his ex, and handling the little bureaucratic tasks that could be piling up as a result of this very painful process.

My metamour helped my partner choose a gift for me, and I'm not sure how I feel about that

I am with Norrington, who’s also dating Elberta. This is my first poly relationship. On my birthday, Norrington mentioned that Elberta helped him choose a lovely, thoughtful present for me. Elberta and I get along, but aren’t very close. I’m not sure how to feel about her apparent involvement in mine and Norrington’s relationship, but I also know she meant well - she was being kind and helpful, not jealous or invasive (I don’t think). So my question: is it normal for metamours to be a little bit involved with the other’s relationship?

Yes, it is normal! Usually, people tend to have ‘types,’ or general personality preferences, when they date, so metamours often have certain things in common. So Elberta would likely be a good resource for Norrington to ask “what kind of gift should I get someone I’m dating? Do you think my other partner would like this?” And since the gift was, as you say, lovely and thoughtful, it sounds like his instincts were correct!

We use the word “partner” for a reason - because relationships are partnerships. People do things with their partners and often seek help, advice, support, or collaboration. Norrington is dating Elberta presumably because he thinks she’s intelligent and he respects her perspective. So it would make sense for him to consult her on this! Since she helped him choose something nice, she clearly was not acting out of any malice, and only a desire to help out her partner and metamour.

And even if it wasn’t “normal,” that wouldn’t necessarily make it problematic or bad. You got a great present, you have a metamour who supports your partner in his relationship with you, it’s all working, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. So if your question is genuinely “should I feel uncomfortable with this?” then my answer is a resounding no.

But if your question is really “I feel a little weird about this, and is that okay?” then my answer is a bit different. Of course you can’t control your feelings, and sometimes things bring up feelings for us that don’t feel useful or fair. It might help to think about why you feel uncomfortable. Do you feel like the gift isn’t really from your partner, and you wish he had done all the effort to figure it out? Do you just not like the idea of his other partner being involved? Do you feel pressure to get closer to Elberta, but you aren’t interested? Press in a bit on that discomfort and identify what’s going on with you so you can talk with Norrington about it and have a clearer problem/solution in mind besides “idk about her involvement in this.”

My LDR partner's other partner treats me abominably

I'm in my first poly-relationship and it’s a LDR. His GF (since 8 years, she's the primary) can't deal with the situation. She's also poly and has a BF besides him. We have a LDR so we only see each other once a month (for 2 days). But every time we have a date, she's texting him that she feels like shit because he's out with me and even when we she has a date with her other boyfriend she uses her right to veto to forbid him to see me when I'm in town. Last time he wanted to see me, she broke up with him (but one day later she apologized). We still had a date that day. Is that normal when a new person joins to behave that way, or is it me who is overthinking it? I don't know what to do in the current Situation and I don't now how to think about her behaviour (i feel very hurt by it). Last time she texted me and said that she's the primary and she should be the most important to him and if she doesn’t want us to date she expects him to drop me.

No, her behavior is not appropriate at all. This is not healthy polyamory. That’s not really how “right to veto” is supposed to work, and texting your metamour to say possessive things like that is, at the very least, extremely rude. Your feelings that she is out of line and being hurtful are entirely legitimate.

Have you talked to your new partner about this? Your relationship is, in the end, with him and not her. Have you told him that her behavior is hurtful to you? Is he willing to stand up to her and set his own boundaries, like saying that he won’t be fielding texts from here while on a date with you, or that he won’t honor a last-minute “veto” demanding he cancel a planned visit with you when you’re in town? Does he agree with her that your relationship with him will always be on a less secure footing than theirs? If he’s willing to work on this and gives you clear evidence that he can actually make progress, then you can decide whether you want to wait that out.

If this seems like a pattern he’s pretty committed to, and he’s not willing and able to make any changes, then you’ll need to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship with this much drama and uncertainty attached. Do you want to date someone who thinks it’s okay for their other partners to treat you like this? Do you want to be part of a polyamorous arrangement with a person who behaves like that? If you decide to stay, at least be clear-eyed about deciding that whatever he offers is worth putting up with all their nonsense - don’t be thinking that you can somehow convince her to be reasonable.

I'm trans, and my metamour has my deadname

I'm trans and my partner recently started dating someone who happens to have my dead name. While I think she is a lovely person, I get uncomfortable talking about her because of this. Any advice on how to deal with this issue?

I am sorry that you are in a situation where you have to frequently face hearing and saying your deadname. Try to take some comfort in the fact that it’s now being used to refer to someone else rather than you.

Dealing with deadnames can be tricky and painful, but you are going to encounter people throughout your life who have your deadname. I’ve seen one tumblr post suggesting that people try naming a buddy pokemon or other virtual pet that name, so they get used to seeing the name in a friendlier context. Granted, a new metamour is a much higher stakes situation than a pokemon friend, but you could try framing it as a way to “hand-off” or “launder” your associations with that name. Saying that name is going to be uncomfortable for a while, but if you get used to referring to her with that name, and not yourself, that will be a nice shift to make.

If you think it’s not possible or too painful for you to try and engage with that name right now at all, you could also ask her if it would be okay for you to use a nickname for her. But that is a delaying tactic, not a solution - you’ll have to deal with the existence of that name at some point. I think the sting will lessen through repetition and a changing of associations. In the meantime, though, while you’re working on making that shift, make sure to tend to your discomfort. Take care of yourself, find ways to validate and affirm your identity, and be patient with yourself.

What if I just don't like my partner's new partner?

What is the etiquette when you don't like your long-term partner's new partner? My girlfriend just got a new girlfriend and she's not a bad person or anything, just not the kind of person I get on with. Should I talk to my girlfriend about it and potentially stress her out a lot, or just leave it?

It’s totally fine to just not click, personally, with a metamour. The etiquette is about the same as when you dislike someone you work with, or someone a family member is dating - be as civil and polite as possible, don’t create unnecessary gossip or drama, and don’t overextend your capabilities.

Politely decline invitations to hang out solo with her, find ways to occupy yourself when she’s around, and don’t try to force yourself to like her. Be careful about ‘stewing’ on things about her you don’t like, and try to remain as neutral as possible. Not everyone in the world is going to be someone you get along with well, and that’s totally fine!

I don’t think you ought to tell your girlfriend you flat out don’t like her new partner, but be gently honest about it when it comes up. If she invites you on a three day camping trip with her and Baldurina, you might say “I think that would be a lot of time for me to spend with her - but you two should go and have a good time!”

My partner isn't affectionate to me when his other partner is around

I’ve been dating this guy casually for a year or so, and he has a partner that he’s been with for almost 10 years. They’re a wonderful couple and we speak openly about our relationships together, but when she’s around he doesn’t flirt with me at all. I know I’m not the main girl, but it sucks being treated differently just in front of her. Do I ask for more attention or should I just look for attention else where? How do I not offend anyone and address this in a formal manner?

Healthy polyamory, and healthy relationships of all types, are about communication! This is totally something that's valid to bring up. Be specific and focus on what's observable. "Hey, whenever we're around Esmeretta, you never call me 'babe'/kiss me/hold my hand/etc. and that's starting to bother me. Is that something specific you two have negotiated, or is this something we can talk about and work on?"

It's possible that he's doing it subconsciously or just assuming that it would be more comfortable for everyone if he acted in this way. A little more intentionality and awareness is never a bad thing! 

Don't just assume that because you've been dating him for less time that you're "not the main girl." Polyamorous relationships don't need to be ranked - you can both be on a 'level' where you have his flirty and affectionate attention. Don't relegate yourself to a place where you don't get to ask for what you want because you think that's how things are set up. 

If he comes right out and tells you that it's intentional - that he, or she, or both of them are uncomfortable with him being flirty while she's around - then you have to decide whether you want to be in an arrangement where, after dating someone for a year, you still don't get the type of attention you want because of another person's preferences. 

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My girlfriend wants to be in a polyamorous relationship with her ex, but I'm not sure

I'm open to a polyamorous relationship and my girlfriend wants to have one with me and her ex. This would be my first polyamorous relationship and I don't really know the guy. Should I be worried about it? Possibly if he steals her away from me instead of it being a group relationship?

If your girlfriend wants you to just start dating a guy you don't really know, that's not very fair or reasonable. You cannot 'assign' or 'agree' people into relationships - it doesn't work that way. Don't date a guy just because your girlfriend wants you to.

It makes more sense for her to start dating him, and you get to know him, and see how the two of you feel about each other. There is nothing wrong with a V-shaped polyamorous relationship. Being friendly metamours is often the best way for people to relate.

If she's adamant that she only wants a closed/triad/group relationship, then she'll need to be patient and wait for you two to meet someone or grow close with someone that you also want to date.

As for your second question - no, I would not advise you to be worried about that. I can't promise you that it won't possibly happen, since no one can predict the future, but polyamory tends to make it less likely that someone will leave you for someone else, not more. Also, it's impossible for him to "steal her away" - if she leaves you to be monogamous with him, or anyone else, it would be because she made that decision herself, and you can't control her decisions. Unless he's saying and doing things that make it seem like he's trying to shift into a monogamous relationship with her and get her to break up with you, I wouldn't worry about this.

Something to be worried about, though, is that he's her ex. Why did they break up? Does that reason still exist? Are there any red flags or concerns you have about him? Getting back together with exes is not typically a great idea; so be sure you understand what his deal is, why she wants to get back together with him, and whether you want to be part of a situation that involves him.

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My partner is going through a rough time and I want to arrange something nice for her with her other partners

My girlfriend recently broke up with one of her partners she's been dating for a long time and is not feeling well because of their reaction. I am thinking about contacting the others to met and organize a surprise to cheer her up, like spending a week with everyone near the sea. 
The problem is that we never talked to each others (except one time at Pride, to say a quick hello and shake hands). I fear she would feel uncomfortable, but at the same time it would be great for her to see the ones she loves instead of playing video games all day to not think about it. What would you advise me to do?

This is a sweet and adorable idea, but you're right that it might be a big, uncomfortable thing to spring on her as a "surprise." My recommendation is to plan something less intense - a weeklong vacation is a pretty big deal, but you can still set something nice up for her. I don't know your gender or the genders of her other partners, but since she's a woman, she's probably used to the expectation that she do a lot of the logistics and organizing for fun things, so doing that for her will be lovely.

I don't think it would be out of line to reach out to her other partners on Facebook or wherever, to explain that she's feeling down and you want to put together something nice for her. It might not be wise to throw everyone together - she may feel anxious or responsible for managing the relationships if all of her partners are at an event together - so you could consider planning something individual for her to do with her various partners. 

Going to a local spa, seeing a band she likes in concert, going to a movie, booking a nice dinner, a picnic at a pretty nature spot - choose something you think she'd like. The key is that, after you make sure the time and date and plan works for her, you and her partners put everything together. You call and make the reservations; you book the tickets; you find a campground; you pack the picnic; whatever. All she has to do is show up and enjoy.

Then you say "Elbreth is taking you out to a nice dinner on Friday - she'll be here to pick you up at 6:30." Or "Let's go on a picnic this Saturday, I've got everything sorted out - you just need comfy shoes." You could also expand this effort to include her close friends, not just her partners. I would lose my mind with joy if someone close to me said "hey, I arranged for a babysitter and did the calendar-wrangling with your friends, Galadriel and Arwen are taking you to dinner and that art show in Rivendell on Friday."

When it comes to the larger thing, like a trip or a get-together with all her partners, my advice is to check in with her about what she would like, when works for her, etc. Once she's told you what she wants to do, who she wants to be there, and the dates that work for her, it's on you and her other partners to coordinate and organize. That's the real gift; the "surprise" bit is less relevant. Of course, you know your girlfriend - if she really loves surprises, keep some details secret and do what would make her feel most cared for!

My partner chose a monogamous relationship over staying with me

I was with this really amazing girl - the love of my life, and she and I are both poly. But her main wasn't. Her main said that she wasn't comfortable anymore with the fact her girlfriend was dating other people. I thought that maybe I would be chosen. That she could love me more. And we could live our lifestyle together. But no. They're getting married next month. I still love her so much. I want so much to be a part of her life. I could even deal with her partner not liking me. I just need her.

It's okay to grieve the end of this relationship, but there's nothing else to be done - I am sorry to be the one to tell you that. Sometimes this happens, not only to polyamorous people, but to monogamous people as well. A partner who you love chooses their work, or the freedom of singlehood, or another partner, or something else, over their relationship with you.

And it hurts. It really does. But you will survive. It feels like you 'need' her, but you don't 'need' her like you need air in your lungs or food in your belly, even if the loss of her does feel like drowning or starving. You will get through this. It's okay to mourn, to be angry, to feel hurt. Breakups suck. Loss is painful. 

Do whatever you need to do to feel okay: Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in grief at the end of relationships. Eat a bunch of ice cream. Join an online dating site. Go for a long bike ride. Have some drinks with your friends. Block your ex on all social media so you don't see any wedding nonsense. Pet a dog. Go camping. Write a letter to your ex and then burn it. You'll get through this, I promise.

My partner violated my boundaries in a newly-open relationship

My partner and I have recently opened our relationship. Because I am currently prioritizing my mental health, I have asked only one thing: please do not let me see your relationships. Don't Ask Don't Tell is not my ideal scenario, but for the moment it is what I need. My partner agreed, but he continually pushes and even breaks that boundary. In one case, he said his new partner wanted to be publicly acknowledged, so he chose her comfort over mine. I feel violated and disregarded. My heart hurts.

You have the right to set the boundaries that you need, but other people aren't required to do everything you ask if they are unable to. In that case, it's their responsibility to say "I'm sorry, I can't meet that need/stay within that boundary" - it's pretty crappy to make a promise and then keep breaking it.

The issue here is that you asked your partner to abide by specific rules for opening the relationship, and he is not abiding by those rules. You can't force him to change his behavior - you can just decide how to respond.

You can say "I'm actually not comfortable having an open relationship now that we've tried it and learned that your way of practicing non-monogamy isn't compatible with my needs. We tried it, it's not working for me, and I am rescinding consent to open the relationship." If he 'refuses,' then the relationship is over - if you want to be monogamous, and he doesn't, then that's a serious impasse.

You can also decide that you're already done, if him pushing at your boundaries this way is a dealbreaker for you. (It would be for some people; it wouldn't be for other people.) You can say "You've demonstrated that you're willing to ignore, disrespect, or fudge boundaries with me, and that makes me feel uncomfortable dating you now that I know that." 

Or, you could try and dig down to the root of your need for DADT right now, and try to work something out with your partner that recognizes his need for relationships in the open while also helps you manage your mental health. Consider finding a poly-friendly therapist to talk to about this, and set some treatment goals. Sit down with your partner and talk about what needs, fears, and desires you're trying to address with your DADT request, and what needs, fears, and desires make this so hard for him. There might be a way to learn and heal and move through this to an arrangement that's healthy for everyone. But you're not obligated to do that work; it's always your right to leave a relationship that's just not working for you.

I started dating a man, but his wife has made things really complicated - is there a way to stay with him but avoid the drama?

For about two or so months, I was in a "V" polyamorous relationship with a much older married man. His wife is much younger than me. He and I both had one-on-one conversations with her and we even had a group conversation about the dynamics right up front when he and I discovered we had feelings for each other. She said up front, on several occasions, she was okay with it. It gave her a chance to have her space as--her words--he was "incredibly needy". As the weeks went on and we continued to see each other, she started becoming very jealous, accusatory, saying mean and snide things to him about me or to him about himself. He would constantly check in with her when she'd make these awful comments and make sure she was still okay with things. It all came to a head about a week and a half ago. And he attempted to break it off with me. I accepted it, but he didn't want to let go. Resorting to social media to put me on public blast for moving on. I forgave him. Now, we've resumed some semblance of a relationship, but without his wife's knowledge. I know I am complicit in this, and thus, a guilty party, but I'm wondering if there's someway else better to handle this? We love and care about each other. And we want to be together. I've never once asked him to leave his wife or gave him ultimatums. It's been her doing. I find her very controlling, emotionally abusive, she gaslighted me and him. I want to be with him, but I also don't like the secrets and the affair-esque, don't ask don't tell dynamic.

Facts: You only dated this guy for about two months. This guy is the kind of person to try and break up with you, then use social media to publicly shame you for moving on. Dating him comes with all the baggage and drama of his wife. You don't like the dynamic the relationship currently has.

WALK AWAY. This is not a healthy relationship. I promise you can find someone who is just as funny or sexy or interesting or thrilling who is also more mature and doesn't make unreasonable demands and put you in unpleasant situations. The better way to handle this is to stop putting up with his nonsense.

There is nothing you can do to change his behavior or make his choices for him, you can just decide whether you want to be part of this disaster of a situation. If you decide to stay, you'll need to accept that staying will include dealing with his wife's tantrums, his propensity for social media drama, and the fact that this is now a cheating situation instead of consensual non-monogamy. 

My partner is living with another partner who won't allow me in the house

Due to an emergency, my primary partner has to live with their partner (my metamour) for a few months while they get back on their feet. My metamour and I haven't had the best relationship because my introduction to and early experiences with her were traumatic, but I'm trying. Trust me when I say I want to be friends with my metamours. Now, my metamour has barred me access from her home and told our partner I'm not allowed to visit them in her house because she's not "comfortable" with me because I haven't tried hard enough to be friends with her. I think barring me from her home without opportunity for a conversation is unethical. Isn't it? Because the way I see it, regardless of how I feel about any of my metamours, I wouldn't forbid them from seeing our partner in a space that is my partner's and mine unless safety is a concern. I understand it's her home and it's her decision, but I think there's a right thing and a wrong thing to do. Not being able to see my partner, spend time with them, and just be home with them will weaken our relationship and my metamour knows that. I'm afraid this could cause my relationship with my partner to end; things have already been rocky for the past few months because of this specific metamour. Both my partner and I are talking to my metamour (separately) to have her understand that the circumstance she's putting us in is messed up. My partner is trying their hardest to get back on their feet so we won't have to endure this situation for long (but it could still take up to 6 months for them to be able to live away from this metamour again). What advice could you give me? What else can I do here? I'm losing my mind.

Okay, first things first - trauma is very serious. If someone in your life is traumatizing you, that is a crisis. Traumatizing someone - by definition, treating them in such a way that their psychological ability to cope with the pain or stress is overwhelmed - is abuse. If you are being, or have been, traumatized, you need to work with a therapist as soon as possible to start healing, learning to recognize your needs and set boundaries, and working on the patterns of thought and behavior that lead you to continue trying to be friends with people who traumatize you. (And if you feel that I am overreacting or the situation does not call for this response, then you need to not use the word ‘trauma’ - someone being rude, exclusive, unpleasant or nasty is not “traumatizing.”)

Second, you’re asking me to make a call as to whether this person’s behavior and demands are unethical and unreasonable, but it really doesn’t matter. Has this person said “oh, sure, I’ll amend my restrictions if you can get an internet advice blogger to agree with you?” Ultimately, you cannot change her mind or control her behavior. All you can do is decide what is best for you to do in this situation.

You could decide that dating someone who is dating or living with someone who traumatizes you and acts in a way you feel is unethical is not working for you, and leave the relationship. That is a choice you make for your own safety, not something anyone else is forcing you to do.

Or, you could decide that you want to try and make things work with your partner. Perhaps they are happy to spend lots of time where you live, and have sleepovers often. Perhaps they are willing to stand up to their partner/your metamour and say “I am going to have Salmertha over this Saturday to watch movies - you can make other plans to be out of the house if you want, but I’m not going to let you limit my ability to see my other partners.”

But if you ask your partner for that, and they tell you that they’ve chosen to give in 100% to the metamour’s demands, that’s their choice. You can’t control your partner, but you can control how you respond: “I’m sorry, I just can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t risk any friction in another relationship to try and find a compromise for me.” Let go of trying to change someone else’s mind or see them as a controlling force in your life.

My therapist likes to say, of other people’s behavior and choices, ‘it’s all information.’ Your metamour has given you a lot of information about what being in a polyamorous network with her is like. Your partner has given you a lot of information about what being in a relationship with them is like. Now you get to decide, based on that information, what you want to do. 

It’s like if you interview for a job and they tell you “we’ll pay you a bajillion dollars, but to work here you’d have to come to work in five-inch heels every day and you’re not allowed to talk to your coworkers.” They’re not opening a debate with you, they’re stating their terms. You’d run yourself ragged trying to change their policy, even if you think it’s totally bonkers. All you can do is decide whether the bajillion dollars is worth it, or, based on what you know about this workplace, it’s best for you to decline their offer.

I found out my partner has a "thing" with a former lover of his, and I'm not sure it's a healthy situation

I'm in a poly relationship with a guy, we talked about his other partners. Fast forward to months later and I'm talking to him about a former lover, encouraging him to talk to her despite my terror/insecurity of his feelings for her. But he's comfortable with his heartache about her. She's married to a monogamous man and happy. I asked questions about them and their history. During this he casually said they occasionally have a Thing via the internet. I wasn't happy about it but didn't berate him, only stated clearly that he should have told me that when we discussed metamours. But I'm bothered. I'm wondering now why he didn't tell me then. Her husband is why they broke up after trying poly. But now I'm wondering if he knows about them having their occasional Thing at all. If not, I'm not okay with that. But I don't know what to do. I'm still not sure what I want to do. If they're cheating I can't condone it. I don't want to leave him. I'm just feeling lost and heartaching.

The main issue here is that your partner is doing something that seems sketchy or not entirely above board here, because A.) he didn’t disclose to you the whole story about this former lover when you first talked about her, and B.) you’re not sure whether this is an open and consensual polyamorous arrangement for all parties involved.

This is something to bring up with your partner: “In order for me to feel like my polyamorous relationships are safe and healthy, it’s important for me to that the extended network that I’m involved in has a shared commitment to openness. This “thing” that you have with your former lover - can we talk about the terms of that? Does her husband know? It also bothers me that I didn’t get the whole story the first time we talked about her. Can we revisit our expectations and commitments around honesty and openness?”

It’s up to you how you react to his response. If he insists on continuing to have a relationship that you don’t want to be party to, even as a metamour, then you have to decide whether that’s a dealbreaker for you.

I'm okay trying out polyamory, but I don't like the person my partner is dating

My partner and I have been dating for a year and we both realized we are polyamorous some time ago. Some months ago, they started dating this other person, an older girl she met online. I was OK with it but I insisted I meet this girl. We got close, in a way, and I wanted that, I needed to trust my partner's partner otherwise I'd feel wrong with the whole deal. As I got to know her I realized she's a toxic person, she's possessive, overly jealous and plain rude at times. I can't even talk to my partner on social media without her throwing a tantrum about "not being loved by (my partner)". In addition to that, she has misgendered me a couple of times (I'm a trans boy) and done things that make me highly uncomfortable (and I've told her those things make me uncomfortable but she keeps doing them anyways). How do I talk to my partner about this? I am afraid to do so because they might think I am just not okay with the poly. And honestly I'm not too sure I am but only if they have a girlfriend as possessive as the one they have right now. I feel constrained and I am afraid they might hurt my partner.

It’s okay to just come out and tell her basically what you told me: “I have some concerns about how your girlfriend is behaving - it’s negatively affecting me. I don’t want you to think I’m not okay with polyamory in general, but polyamory with this specific person isn’t working for me and I need to talk to you about it.”

I’d advise against coming out and saying that this person is toxic, possessive, etc. - that’s too subjective and opens you up to unwinnable arguments. Focus instead on specific behaviors and examples. “When she misgendered me, that was painful and not okay, and makes her an unsafe person for me to be around. When I asked her to stop doing [thing] and she kept doing it anyway, it made me feel like my boundaries were being violated and that I can’t trust her to take my feelings or needs seriously.”

Be clear in this conversation about what you want from your partner: do you want your partner to stand up to the girlfriend more and say “hey, you can’t talk to my partner like that, please stop”? Do you want to spend less time interacting with this metamour and need your partner to help facilitate this space? Have you realized that you don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship that includes this person, so you’re letting your partner know you’re going to have to leave the relationship as long as she’s involved? (Note that this framing is very different from “dump her or I’ll leave you” - you’re not making demands or threats, just identifying the right choice for you to make based on whether this situation is healthy for you to be part of.) 

I really dislike my girlfriend's partner - how do I feel compersion?

When I started seeing my gf she had just gotten out of a mono relationship and her ex was extremely mean to her after the breakup and I was there for her. Recently they have started a romantic relationship again and it is like all of that didn't even happen. My gf knows that I don't care for her now-gf because of that but I want her to be happy so I don't make a big deal of it. So my question is how can I feel any sense of compersion when all I have is negative feelings towards her?

It’s typically an exercise in futility to try and force yourself into a feeling you don’t have. You don’t need to try and conjure a sense of compersion or a feeling of goodwill about this person who you have every reason to dislike. 

It sounds like you’re doing everything right here - not “making a big deal of it,” letting your partner make her own choices, and just sitting back and staying disengaged from a situation you find irritating and frustrating. 

Try to re-frame this as not being about the metamour, but about your girlfriend. She is making a choice that she thinks is best for her, and all you can do is support her in that, recognize her agency, give her space to make her own choices. Sometimes people we love do things that we wish they wouldn’t. Sometimes they make choices that we think are bad choices. But that’s the beauty and the aggravation of having relationships with people. They insist on being their own people and doing their own thing even if it means refusing to quit a job that clearly makes the miserable or dating someone you don’t think is right for them.

And you seem to have that pretty well figured out - you’re leaving her to make her own choices and figure her own stuff out, without adding pressure or ultimatums or futile cajoling. Give yourself a break for not being able to feel thrilled and excited about this situation. If it starts to negatively impact you, set the boundaries you need to set; otherwise, no one can really fault you for only being able to achieve a sort of detached neutrality at best about this person’s re-entry into your girlfriend’s life.

Someone I was dating stopped speaking to me after one of her other partners decided he didn't like me

At the beginning of the year i met a wonderful poly woman online who is married and has other partners. we met in person (we are many states away) and i think we really hit it off and her family was totally welcoming and i felt super at home. As soon as i got back she confessed one of her boyfriends had some issue with me and told her to stop talking to me. so she did. I am hearing from our mutual internet friends that she seems very depressed and is kind of isolating herself. I think he is showing some abusive behavior, and have thought that for some time, but she's blocked me everywhere. What do you think I should do? is there anything I can do from this far away when none of our friends are willing to talk to her?

If she has blocked you everywhere, then that’s a pretty clear boundary that she has set. You can think that this boundary is unreasonable, or that she set it for reasons that are unhealthy, but right now, she has made the decision to stop speaking to you, and there’s not much that you can do about that. And if your mutual friends are unwilling to have this conversation, there’s not much you can or should do to try and push them into being an intermediary in a situation they don’t want to be a part of.

It is so, so painful to know that someone you care about is out there in a bad situation, or making bad choices, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It feels agonizingly frustrating and helpless. I know. But sometimes that’s the place we find ourselves in. It’s okay to feel angry or sad at how things worked out, through no fault of yours, to be painful for you.

She may be in an abusive situation; or she may simply be in a relationship that isn’t compatible with her seeing you - either way, she has decided to end contact with you, and your mutual friends have decided that this isn’t a safe, healthy, or worthwhile situation to try and step into. It sounds like the best thing you can do is try to let go. You don’t have the ability or obligation to ‘save’ her; nor do you have the right to change her mind even if you think the choice she’s made is unfair or unhealthy. 

My partner's partners say they're okay with our relationship, but I still worry that they're not

So first off I’m really new to the poly world i feel as though it is something that’s right for me but I don’t really know that much about it. I’m in a relationship with a married woman who’s a mom of two kids, to the kids I’m their aunt, and I love that part. But what I do need advice on is how to act around her husband and boyfriend (we’re all friends we hang out at her place as a group pretty often but I’m not into men so I’m not ok with like making it a group thing and they all get that) but I’m always kinda nervous when she kisses me around them or anything like that. I know they don’t mind, every time they see us cuddling they just say we are super cute and make awing noises so i don’t understand the nerves...any advice?

First off, congrats for finding a healthy, sweet, fun polyamorous relationship! The issue here comes down to one of trust. Even though your partner’s husband and boyfriend say that they’re totally fine with your relationship, and even seeing physical affection between you and your partner, it sounds like you don’t entirely trust that they’re being honest here.

And that’s perfectly understandable - lots of us have been in situations where someone says they are “fine” with something, but they really aren’t, and we’re expected to psychically figure that out and address it, and are often emotionally or socially punished for not doing so. If this is a dynamic that has been present in your family, or in previous relationships or friendships, you may be feeling like this is all a trap and eventually the false okay-ness will give way to anger, alienation, and accusations.

But, it’s not! It won’t! It sounds like these people have their act together, and it’s okay to let your guard down and trust them. If they are welcoming, let yourself be welcomed. If they are comfortable, let yourself relax. It’s okay to ask for a little extra validation - check in with your partner and say “hey, since this is all new to me, sometimes I worry that your other partners aren’t okay with me being around.” If she reassures you that everything is fine, trust her! It is okay to trust her.

If there is something that they do or say that makes you feel like their “aww”s and their friendship is less-than-sincere, bring that up. If you feel comfortable, you can also just pull one aside and have an upbeat check-in: “hey, since I’m pretty new at this, I just wanted to check in and make sure everything is going well - you seem like you’re all okay with our dynamic, but sometimes I need to just hear it straight and clear. We good?” And, again, if they reassure you that it’s all good, let yourself believe them.

This is the kind of thing that gets easier with practice - the longer you’re around, the more opportunities they’ll have to prove to you that you are welcome, that you’re not under some kind of emotional microscope, and that you won’t be punished for letting your guard down and taking them at their word. If this is the kind of thing you have an especially hard time with because of previous unhealthy experiences, it’s also worth considering therapy to work out some of that internalized sense that you’re always responsible for other people’s feelings even if they aren’t being clear about what that means.