My partner and I love each other and are each other’s primaries. We are also open, which came with a lot of jealousy for me in the beginning. But I decided to deal with it, because I am poly and I know that all my fears and jealousy are not because of him, but my insecurities. Now that he fell in love he has gotten a lot more committed but also jealous, almost possessive, wanting OPP. Because he said he does not trust other men, that I am his girl and if I do sexual stuff with other guys we might still see each other but our relationship won’t have a sexual touch anymore. I for my part have not have sex with other people yet and am in general a lot less experienced than him. He for his part has had quite a few sexual encounters with girls since we are seeing each other, which he told me about. It makes me angry to know that I cope with my jealousy but he does not seem willing to do so. A monogamous relationship, which he seems to want by now, is the only option besides him seeing other people and me not (which is not an option), and although I kind of like the thought I fear that monogamy is not something that will make me happy, because I know the insecurities have nothing to do with the relationship style but the person. Then we are also in a d/s dynamic, which makes me submit to him also in this wish. I don’t know what to do, I am thinking about temporary monogamy to give it a try, but he s already jealous about other men touching me and I want to gather new experiences in my local BDSM community, which do not have to include sex but playing and rope, for example. Do you have any tips on what I could do and how I might know monogamy might be an option for me? Do you think his behavior is unhealthy or is it just the typical "monogamistic behavior"?
My advice to you is to RUN AWAY from this guy and DO NOT LOOK BACK. He is throwing up red flags left and right, here! If he can see other women without it threatening your relationship, then there is no logic that means you would be threatening the relationship by seeing other men. He is being jealous and possessive, full stop.
The fact that he is much more experienced than you doesn’t mean that you have to take his word on things. Some of your language here, like insisting that your discomfort is 100% your department and doesn’t entitle you to ask anything of him, sounds like he’s been manipulating you. Especially since, apparently, his discomfort creates obligations for you.
Being in a D/s relationship does NOT mean that you need to submit to your partner’s wishes on everything, and it should NOT be relevant when it comes to negotiating relationship terms like this. That is a fantasy, a roleplay, and you ALWAYS have the right to step out of that fantasy and discuss things on equal terms. If he is saying that your BDSM play means you have less of a say in the relationship, that is a perversion of healthy BDSM and borders on using BDSM to mask abuse. RUN.
If you don’t want to be monogamous, do not be monogamous! Especially not with this guy! If you want to explore more within your local BDSM scene, you absolutely should have the freedom to do so. Don’t get stuck in a relationship with this guy that is limiting and unfulfilling. I don’t think he sounds like a healthy person to date, either monogamously or polyamorously.
I strongly encourage you to reach out to leaders in your local community who you trust - they can give you some clear advice about the crap this guy is trying to sell you, and help surround you with healthier people. You may also find that this guy is known for his patterns of bad behavior within the scene. This is not what BDSM is supposed to look or feel like, and there are people who have navigated these waters before and can support you.